Men do not comment on other men's hair?

[drwex]

I do not know what to make of this dynamic, which I think is more interesting to talk about than the fact that, for the first time in my life, I have gotten my hair dyed.

If you haven't seen me in a while, the difference should be shockingly apparent. It's VERY red, about which more below. At the recent Arisia meeting I deliberately wore my most red-purple shirt and several people (all known female, nb, or female-presenting) commented on how my hair matched my shirt. I figured if I was going to be in front of dozens of people (it turned out to be nearly 70) who hadn't seen me in a while I might as well go all-in.

Most people just let it pass. This echoes a dynamic I see at work, where the people who commented after I showed up with dyed hair were also female, with maybe two exceptions. This includes my #2 boss, who was visibly taken aback at my changed appearance and almost seemed ready to say something but did not.

I cannot help wonder if this is fallout from our heteronormative culture in which male and female persons feel free to comment (sometimes inappropriately) on appearance, clothing, and changes in female persons but not on the same things in male persons. If so, file under "Subvert the Patriarchy" and comment away.


It feels weird for me to talk about how doing something totally normal gives me anxiety but there it is. I need to do more things that are outside my comfort zone and now that I'm in a company that isn't going to freak if I show up looking odd seems like a great time.

I have lots of friends who have blue or purple hair, which would've been my first choices. Green is right out, not least because I have a sallow complexion and having green on me makes me look jaundiced. That left... well, red.

Initially the plan was to get a subtle color that'd be visible in highlights but not overt. So we tried that and it looked... pink. My hair is mostly very white and the color was just sort of sitting there and not really looking good. So we decided to try going all-in. I didn't quite expect how very redheaded I'd be but that's what you get.

There are red genes in our family tree - I have red hairs in my beard from time to time and my grandmother's sister was a solid redhead for most of her life before going gray. One of the kids was pretty red-blonde for a while before their color darkened down. But I'm not fond enough of how I look to keep up the experiment.

Maybe we'll call this 'crossing off a bucket list item' and leave it, or maybe I'll try something different next time.

Comments

[reedrover]

Congratulations on taking on gender stereotypes (mature men with regular jobs don't dye their hair weird colors) and running screaming over the personal anxiety boundary to do it. I picture you internally hollering wildly and making mental muppet arms while calmly saying "yes, let's do that."

[drwex]

That is a remarkably accurate image.

[tamidon]

Having not seen this, is it a very red natural red, or a more magenta or fire engine red, like I have done on a couple of occasions?

I now have a guy at the town dump who keeps comenting to me about my hair not being dyed right now, and how he almost doesnt recognise me. Keep in mind, I have no idea who this guy is other than random townsperson.

[drwex]

Honestly I don't know what you'd call the color. We mixed two dyes to begin with and then added a third to darken it, which definitely shaded in some purple.

I'll try to post pix.

[gale_storm]

Congrats on non-conformative-hair-behavioral-gender-whatev— oh, I give up: do we get pics? :-D

[drwex]

If I can get a photo I don't hate I'll post something.

[dcltdw]

Not to buy into the bullshit that anyone is owed photos of anyone, but I'm curious what the new 'do looks like. :)

[drwex]

I'll see if I can get and post a photo I don't hate.

[flexagon]

Men in my opinion are VERY conditioned to almost never comment on appearances -- anyone's appearances -- because of fear that it'll occasionally be taken wrong. This is especially so at work. Women seem more capable, or more generally allowed, to comment on appearance even in a corporate culture.

[drwex]

I think that's probably true - at least, it aligns with my experience in corporate cultures.

That doesn't account for the social behavior, though. There was also the amusing interaction with my gaming group where nobody said anything until the one guy who was connected through Skype asked if his camera was off or if my hair was actually different.

[reedrover]

I've counseled a few of my friends - both men and women - on how to give a compliment. One of the easy things to point out is to phrase the compliment so that that the person owns the improvement/change rather than the change owning the improvement.

"That looks great on you." is far superior to "You look great in that."

[sovay]

Initially the plan was to get a subtle color that'd be visible in highlights but not overt. So we tried that and it looked... pink.

Congratulations on achieving Howl's Moving Castle!

I hope I can see your actual red hair before it grows out.

[gingicat]

Oh, I wish I’d seen it, I love interpretations of red hair. I missed a party you were probably invited to yesterday due to lack of spoons.

If you want to go with “this is what AMAB Jewish redheads tend to look like” I can bring over my teenager for matching purposes. His hair looks mostly brown in shade or artificial light, but really red in sunlight or bright indoor light.

[mizarchivist]

I will say again: I think it looks great.
I have also seen this trend. I remember when I came to work a long time ago after getting at least a foot cut off my hair and my old white cis-gendered man of a boss never said a thing. I was baffled that there wasn't even a "ah! haircut." Which one can do without it being judgey.