lavendertook's comment helped me to realize something I missed the first time through.

When you talk to shadesong about how she "should realize how that narrative affects people", is that not you proscribing how she should express her anger about her rape and abuse?
Maybe she does get a free pass. Yes, sometimes the victim's reactions will make the surrounding social situation harder to resolve, but that's just the way things are, and the surrounding social group needs to cope with that and make every effort to support the outlet she has made for herself. Our society silences too many women in too many ways to do anything else. Maybe she's doing some sub-optimal things, and maybe in the long term she'll learn from them, but that's for her to grapple with later.

I was only briefly involved in the community, and I drifted away quite a few years ago, but I'm sorry for all the pain and stress I've been seeing recently. Overall, I think your (drwex's) influence on the discussion has been very positive, and I am hopeful that you will all find a positive way through and be stronger for the experience.