Let's call it "The Lift"

[drwex]

There's a thing (some) poly people do that I don't know has a particular name, so I'm going to call it The Lift. It's pretty simple: when a new relationship picks up you find yourself more energized, more positive, more outgoing, more happy, more fulfilled.

Then you, often without consciously trying (if you're me), find you're bringing that energy, positivity, and happiness to your other relationships. It's like everyone gets a little - or a big - pick-me-up from the positivity that a good new relationship can bring. I know, this is idealized. It doesn't always happen and the generic "you" might not be like the actual me. There are all kinds of exception cases and I'm not trying to say this always happens. But it does, sometimes, with some people, and I've seen it.

It's not compersion, the notion that you feel happy because someone you care about is happy. When the Lift happens, you're happier because your partner is paying more attention to you, bringing a more positive self into your relationship, taking extra time and care with you. In the normal course of a relationship I think this happens anyway - people go through cycles and phases and sometimes those are up/positive regardless of the entry of a new person into the relationship web. But when adding a new person to that web leads to this uptick, well, that's The Lift I'm talking about.

Dear readers, does this make sense to you? Have you see this? Experienced something like this? I doubt my experiences are all that unique in this regard but perhaps.

(How do I NOT have a "poly" tag? Sheesh.)

Comments

[goddessfarmer.livejournal.com]

Yes. Absolutely. I have had this happen, both as me being the person with the new relationship and "spreading the love" and as the one getting the Lift from other's NRE. As far as my own experience goes, this is a happy poly thing.

[drwex]

See below response about NRE. I think it's complex and I haven't even begun to tease it apart.

Yes

[taura-g.livejournal.com]

This is something that I've always kind of lumped in with New Relationship Energy (NRE), yes, I definitely have gotten this kind of feeling.

Re: Yes

[drwex]

I agree there's a relationship (see what I did there?) to NRE. But it's complex - the NRE I feel is toward the new partner, so how does that help me bring the Lift to my existing relationship(s)? And why only sometimes? And why like now when I have a new relationship that doesn't feel particularly NRE do I get the Lift anyway?

[sariel-t.livejournal.com]

Have seen, and have experienced such a thing. :)

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

Yup.

[lifecollage.livejournal.com]

Have experienced both sides of this, in the recent past even. I like that term for it, and shall use it henceforth!

In my past, I've felt it when I have a resurgence of feeling for an existing partner as well as the frissons that come from a new partner. Any time you hit a new level? bring a new awareness? in a relationship, the potential for The Lift is there. If you time it right, maybe you can even bootstrap all your relationships to new excellence by working off Lifts in each, like jumping your way up a crevasse in a video game by bouncing off each side in turn? Or maybe I'm just being optimistic? *grin*

[drwex]

Optimism is good! Thanks for your comment.

[mizarchivist]

+1

[minkrose]

I've called it "getting a new drawer of spoons." There is something about a relationship that gives me more energy, but it doesn't give me more energy for everything. So, I call that "learning to use my new drawer of spoons." I also get different spoons from different relationships; not ever satellite relationship adds the same kinds of spoons (it depends on the person). It takes me a while to figure out what kind of emotional support & stability I get from the relationship, and how to put that energy back into the rest of my life. I think it has to do with having a new person in my support network. Though it's not quite the same with new close friends.

but yes, it consistently IS a thing that happens, for me.

It's also definitely separate from NRE. Had many, many conversations about that last year. Also, discovered that, for me, NRE is something I cannot inherently trust. Those emotions are not necessarily long-term, they may fade or be false. I can also tell the difference between those feelings and ones that will hold longer term.... anyway, no sense in explaining that more right now cuz it's too fucking sad. Needless to say, I was right. I was not, and he was not, experiencing NRE; similar depth, but with actual longevity. Not that it fucking matters now. But it will be interesting to see if we can maintain the support system; so far, yes.

[drwex]

First, much with the hugs. I'm glad you feel OK enough to bring the topic up and I'm sorry I can't do anything about the pain right now.

Scrolling back, I think I experience something different that what it seems you're describing. I would love to sit and talk with you about this when you feel up to that sort of thing again. I think of "spoons" as "ability to cope with/do things" whereas I see Lift as more being about the energy/volume/attitude associated with the things I do.

And yes, I don't per se "trust" NRE but I do love riding the bubbles when they happen, even knowing they're going to pop at some point.

Finally, I'm turning over in my head a proposal for a new Arisia panel revolving around this discussion. Needs to be worked up a bit before it's even half-baked though.

[gosling.livejournal.com]

I have absolutely experienced this very strongly.

[make-your-move.livejournal.com]

yes ... I think. It's complicated and it really depends on the person.

[trowa-barton.livejournal.com]

It's a crapshoot, depending on the new relationship. I tend to get the short straw when it comes to "energy distribution".
And, yes, the lack of poly tag is amusing.