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drwexA long time ago I learned that not making a choice is itself a choice. I do not think I properly taught this to my elder child and I hope she finds it out in some non-destructive way. I live in the city of Decision Fatigue these days, because there are so many things I must decide on. Even if I don't participate in the arguments, I often have to have an opinion at the end. Sometimes we even vote.
I am generally treating corp@ like That List, from which I unsubscribed when I had to focus on getting my dissertation done, and have never looked back. I can't actually unsubscribe from corp@, but I am skimming and trying to gather the gist instead of going down into the weeds as often as I did a couple weeks ago. And I rarely respond.
Part of this is that I no longer have a private voice on matters concerning Arisia. No matter how much I disclaim that something is my personal opinion (turns out I still have a lot of those) words I utter turn out to have been uttered by the Vice President of Arisia, Inc. and at a minimum they raise the question of what Arisia's official opinion might be on something about which I have a personal opinion. Often, I can't speak that, either.
We have spent an incredible amount of time the last ten days writing things. Statements that appear in public as just a few paragraphs go from multi-page drafts through intense workshopping processes. The Board itself works on most of them, often with one or two people taking lead, and we have external input both from connected resources (e.g. senior staff of the Arisia Convention) and from connected people. Several of us are lucky to have partners whose knowledge, expertise, and input can be brought to bear on these things. We use Google Docs a lot; I can't imaging how much harder this was back in the days before shared co-editable documents.
As a result, most of my words are captured. I have some words for work (I have to) and for family but I am remarkably talked out. To some degree I hoard my words for things I am passionate about. I'm hoping tonight will turn out a certain way (we have a call with a full agenda) and I plan to use a lot of my words there.
I thought about all the above partly in response to the last 10 days, partly because of comments in other journals, and partly because the usual pre-Thanksgiving advice is drifting around about not needing to argue with every loud, ill-informed relative. In more ordinary times I would be very much about "f**k that" - I do not (as a dear friend reminded me) suffer fools gladly. And particularly in 2018 I feel it's important not to let racist, privileged, and hateful remarks go unchallenged.
Holidays are always fraught, and for some people they're downright toxic. It makes sense (as Pygment wrote in her own journal not long ago) to confine one's responses, particularly confrontational or intervention, to situations in which one feels safe. How terrible to admit that a family gathering would be unsafe, but that's reality for a lot of people, particularly people from marginalized groups.
This, too, touches back on Arisia because so much of what has happened has revolved around safety, or the lack thereof. Pygment reminded me the other night that she's never regarded Arisia as "safe space" and tried to teach that to the kids. It's wise, if regrettable. No gathering that large is ever going to be "safe" and using that language only serves to mislead. We should not speak of "safe", but instead speak of "safer" and "prioritizing safety".
I am, I admit, influenced by in-the-past days of working on what became known as safer sex education - largely promoting condom use. "Safe" is an absolute word I prefer not to speak. But I can speak about priorities and what I see as part of the mandate of the new Board: to prioritize safety over other concerns that people (right or wrong, see there's that bit where I can't speak) perceive as having been de-prioritized in favor of other things. We used to say 'safe sex" and found that misled people. Now we say "safer sex" and by analogy when I choose to speak about this, I say "safer" Arisia.
That's quite a lot of words from someone who claims to have fewer of them, isn't it?
I am generally treating corp@ like That List, from which I unsubscribed when I had to focus on getting my dissertation done, and have never looked back. I can't actually unsubscribe from corp@, but I am skimming and trying to gather the gist instead of going down into the weeds as often as I did a couple weeks ago. And I rarely respond.
Part of this is that I no longer have a private voice on matters concerning Arisia. No matter how much I disclaim that something is my personal opinion (turns out I still have a lot of those) words I utter turn out to have been uttered by the Vice President of Arisia, Inc. and at a minimum they raise the question of what Arisia's official opinion might be on something about which I have a personal opinion. Often, I can't speak that, either.
We have spent an incredible amount of time the last ten days writing things. Statements that appear in public as just a few paragraphs go from multi-page drafts through intense workshopping processes. The Board itself works on most of them, often with one or two people taking lead, and we have external input both from connected resources (e.g. senior staff of the Arisia Convention) and from connected people. Several of us are lucky to have partners whose knowledge, expertise, and input can be brought to bear on these things. We use Google Docs a lot; I can't imaging how much harder this was back in the days before shared co-editable documents.
As a result, most of my words are captured. I have some words for work (I have to) and for family but I am remarkably talked out. To some degree I hoard my words for things I am passionate about. I'm hoping tonight will turn out a certain way (we have a call with a full agenda) and I plan to use a lot of my words there.
I thought about all the above partly in response to the last 10 days, partly because of comments in other journals, and partly because the usual pre-Thanksgiving advice is drifting around about not needing to argue with every loud, ill-informed relative. In more ordinary times I would be very much about "f**k that" - I do not (as a dear friend reminded me) suffer fools gladly. And particularly in 2018 I feel it's important not to let racist, privileged, and hateful remarks go unchallenged.
Holidays are always fraught, and for some people they're downright toxic. It makes sense (as Pygment wrote in her own journal not long ago) to confine one's responses, particularly confrontational or intervention, to situations in which one feels safe. How terrible to admit that a family gathering would be unsafe, but that's reality for a lot of people, particularly people from marginalized groups.
This, too, touches back on Arisia because so much of what has happened has revolved around safety, or the lack thereof. Pygment reminded me the other night that she's never regarded Arisia as "safe space" and tried to teach that to the kids. It's wise, if regrettable. No gathering that large is ever going to be "safe" and using that language only serves to mislead. We should not speak of "safe", but instead speak of "safer" and "prioritizing safety".
I am, I admit, influenced by in-the-past days of working on what became known as safer sex education - largely promoting condom use. "Safe" is an absolute word I prefer not to speak. But I can speak about priorities and what I see as part of the mandate of the new Board: to prioritize safety over other concerns that people (right or wrong, see there's that bit where I can't speak) perceive as having been de-prioritized in favor of other things. We used to say 'safe sex" and found that misled people. Now we say "safer sex" and by analogy when I choose to speak about this, I say "safer" Arisia.
That's quite a lot of words from someone who claims to have fewer of them, isn't it?
no subject
Date: 2018-11-21 08:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-11-21 09:10 pm (UTC)I'm glad people have been finding use in my words.
Thank you for yours and sharing your thoughts.
no subject
Date: 2018-11-21 10:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-11-21 11:13 pm (UTC)This x1000. The analogy to "safer" sex should absolutely be a thing.
Glad you seem to have support systems enough to handle the new responsibility. Remember to take care of yourself. If there are words I can word let me know.
no subject
Date: 2018-11-21 11:45 pm (UTC)But I think your point, that we need to shift the focus from "safe" to "safer", is really valuable, and I hope it gets heard. I think Arisia runs the risk of being killed by perfectionism; like, "if we can't make the con 100% safe then we shouldn't have the con."
Vic wants to attend Anthro New England by themselves next year (i.e. 3 months from now). Parenting a teen is hard. I need to find some words, get Vic to sit down with me with the iPhone off, and articulate some safety rules. Like, stay in public places, do not go into anyone's hotel room, no matter how nice they seem. Are there any resources on-line for "how to stay safe at a con"? I'm sure ANE is not even trying to be the perfect idyllic safe zone.
no subject
Date: 2018-11-22 02:54 am (UTC)I guess, but that was my baseline reality growing up. Having ANYONE else around made things far safer.
Friendsgiving it is, tomorrow!
no subject
Date: 2018-11-22 03:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-11-22 03:12 am (UTC)I had never heard the safe/safer sex distinction until this post. Thanks for bringing it up. Definitely food for thought for me. (Basically, I have all the privileges, so there's a lot of "gosh, really?" moments in my head that make other people eyeroll loudly.)
Best of luck to you. I don't envy your position, but I certainly have a metric ton of respect for people being willing to step up and give it a shot.
no subject
Date: 2018-11-24 08:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-11-25 01:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-11-25 04:35 am (UTC)At this time, no. I made my comments privately in my journal and I'm not yet ready to share them. Thank you for asking though.
no subject
Date: 2018-11-26 12:03 am (UTC)And you know I regard much of what has happened with Arisia recently as a "perfect is the enemy of the good" situation.
no subject
Date: 2018-11-26 09:14 pm (UTC)you know how it is. bisdev said they wanted a feature. only after you design it and build it do they tell you that wasnt what they meant.
no subject
Date: 2018-11-26 09:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-11-26 09:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-01 12:19 am (UTC)