drwex | Aug. 1st, 2018

Don’t lower your standards, but do remember that removing your expectations of others is the best way to avoid being disappointed by them. You will end up sadly disappointed if you expect people will always do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.

How have your expectations of others gotten the best of you recently? How will you remind yourself to ease your expectations today?

Interesting that this prompt comes a day after one of my commenters mentioned that you can sort of meta-interpret the prompts to this point as being "if all else fails, lower your standards." So now it says this, and let's see.

Sure, if I don't expect anything of other people I won't be disappointed in them. I'll also be, like, a lighthouse keeper on a rock nobody visits. C'mon, be realistic. I tend to think even the Dalai Lama has expectations of other people, so what does this mean? Sure, nobody's exactly going to do for me as I do for them. Let's take that apart in two different ways.

In one sense, I read this as talking to the inequalities that are often visited on women in cis bi-gendered relationships. As the majority model, women do the majority of child-rearing, the majority of the familial emotional labor, the majority of the household work, and so on. But isn't that WRONG? Why shouldn't a person - of whatever gender or relationship situation - expect that a partner in that relationship will do for them as they do? I've certainly complained that some relationships I had fell by the wayside because the other person wasn't willing to put the same energy into maintaining the relationship as I was. Right now I have two good friends whom I see regularly and that's in large part because both of them take the time to reach out and do the complex calendar dance with me. Other people who don't... well, maybe I see them once or twice a year.

Regardess, I think the point is that this isn't a good model. Inequality in this sense is not something to accept as normal. It's something to discuss and work on. You can't compel someone to participate in a relationship in the same way or degree that you do, but you can explain that the deficiency is detrimental to the relationship. It's not something one should simply accept, I think.

Second, related point. One of the bits of poly advice I often give is that you can't ever be "equal." No two people love and express identically. What matters, I think, is not "equal" but "fair." If I have two partners whom I treat differently (as I always will) but each one feels they are being dealt with fairly then that's a good state. Problems arise when I don't treat my partners fairly, especially when I am treating one fairly at the expense of the other. At a minimum that requires a conversation (hey, I know I promised to do this movie with you, but my other partner is dealing with his dad being in hospital and needs extra support right now) and a commitment to make things right in the future. What it doesn't require is the other person just expecting I'm not going to do my part.

In regards to the question, I refer back to the response to Day 20. I expect that people I interact with are going to be decent, non-racist, non-*phobic individuals. This is non-negotiable. Not in the sense I expect people to be perfect - goodness knows I've emitted some horrible things and have plenty of my own *isms to work through - but be committed to doing that work. Not negotiable otherwise, nor am I lowering my expectations of others.

People are, in fact, going to be racist shitbags. They're coming out of the woodwork these days, thanks to the Enabler-in-Chief. I have no tolerance for it, no civility, and no willingness to "ease my expectations" of decent human behavior.

Less dramatically, yeah I figure people aren't going to keep their ends of relationships. That's sort of human nature I guess. I'm not going to work myself into a tizzy about it, but I still feel it acutely and I'm not willing to ease up.

I might be a stubborn bastard.