drwex | Aug. 16th, 2018

There’s a big difference between giving up and starting over in the right direction. Know when enough is enough already, and respect yourself for feeling that way. Sometimes we have to say goodbye before we can say hello. Sometimes we have to let go to move forward with our lives.

What’s something from your past that you are thankful you gave up on? Just let this sink in right now.

Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. I totally buy that in theory though I'm not always good at doing it in practice. I also respect that this prompt is explicitly pointing to the need to know the difference between A and B, though I still feel like there's an expectation people can do this, or there's some magic trick or practice to do it. As with so many of these things I find I'm very bad at it and hope that external sources (friends, coworkers, professionals) can help me differentiate.

I am fond of the tale of the monks, which I heard as this: two monks traveling after a storm found women standing by the bank of a swollen stream, unwilling to dirty their dresses by crossing. Rudely, they demanded that the monks pick them up and carry them across, which the monks did. Afterward, as the monks walked on their way one complained bitterly to the other about the women - how rude they were, how unfair it was, and so on. Finally, the other monk turned to the complainer and said, "Brother, I put that woman down on the bank of the stream; when are you going to put her down?"

So, yeah. This, and likely the next set of prompts (which will have to wait until I get back from my travels next week) are going to be filtered through this particular time of year, as we approach the High Holidays the ideas of forgiveness and repentance are rattling around in my head. Letting go (forgiving) is hard and not necessarily an appropriate response but it's a thing to think about. Forgiving oneself, putting down the burdens we've imposed on ourselves, and being able to move forward seems to me to be part of a healthy mental life. The trick is knowing what, and when (see A and B above). In the monks example, the rudeness of the women was momentary and easy for one of the monks to forgive. In 2018 the crimes we see being committed are much greater and who am I to say when it's enough.

Flip it around: "enough is enough" can also apply to putting effort out. I have done all I can, all I'm capable of doing and I have to stop doing this thing. Am I giving up (too soon)? Is it OK to give up? As parents we've been trying to figure out when it's OK for our kids to have the "natural consequences" of their actions. Somewhere along the way, "enough" means enough protecting, enough sheltering, enough warning. Anyone who figures out the right places to draw those lines is likely way smarter than I am.

Interpersonally, enough is enough is very hard for me. I don't like to walk away from relationships, even when I should. I believe, deeply, that as long as there is life there is opportunity for change, for growth, for things to be different, and better. My brother was so wounded by our mother's actions that he shut her out entirely. No interaction, no speaking to her beyond the absolutely necessary. I took a different course (including not speaking to her for a couple years so there's that). I don't know how either of us could have been judged wrong for saying as he said or not-saying as I did not, that "enough is enough."

I also don't quit jobs, even when I should. That's a whole other post, though.

Having said that, things from my past that I'm glad I gave up on are things that I've been able to come back to, later. Originally, I was going to continue to grad school after undergrad but I tried taking a couple courses while working and that was awful. I'm glad I gave up on it, and glad I was able to come back to it when I did, almost a decade later. That was absolutely the right decision for me - I would have been miserable struggling through grad school back then, even though I'd likely have made more money in my life if I had.

I'm also glad I stopped working for Arisia when I did. I went back in 2013 as a better person, to work with a better organization. I think if I'd continued working through I'd've burnt out and likely been miserable. The last couple years of volunteering have been a lot of hours and not stress-free but I feel accomplished and like the last five years have really seen the organization move in a positive direction. I know, take a break and come back refreshed isn't exactly revolutionary insight but it's not easy for me.