#Awkward

[drwex]

This happened:

I bought a soda at a fast food place (B Good) that has a fountain set-up with quality sodas. I forget the maker, but it's all cane sugar, natural flavors, gluten-free, etc. I chose the root beer, prompting the young woman behind the counter to remark that the blueberry is her favorite. I replied that I'm not a big fan of blueberry sodas, as they tend to be sweeter.

To which she said, "I like it, but I'm a girl."

I froze in place as my brain tried to process the amount of WRONG in that. Neither her tone nor her face/body indicated she was in any way joking. Approximately two years later (which was only a few seconds in real time, since my beverage cup had not overflowed) I managed to fumble out, "I don't see what that has to do with it."

And promptly felt terrible, because there is really no scenario I can evoke in which it's totally OK for random older white guy to be pointing out sexist assumptions in the speech of younger female persons.

Dear readers, what would you have done?

Comments

[mangosteen]

I likely would have gone with "heh." as a neutral acknowledgement as what was meant as a humorous self-deprecating remark. I would also file the interaction for later dissection because... damn.

I'm not delusional enough to think that I would have come up with something witty and and appropriate in the 3-second window I would have had.

[melebeth]

It's true that blue is the ultimate color of femininity.

[melebeth]

Also? Blueberry soda makes me make the "EWWWW" face.

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

Hrm. I might have asked, 'Do girls like things sweeter?' or something like that, and if she said yes, I would said 'Heh, ok', much like mangosteen might have done. And I would have gone on my merry way. Not sure I could have come up with something witty or convincing of a different stance than the one she was taking.

I do admit that my back goes up whenever someone makes a 'blonde' comment in referring to someone being less than mentally agile. Not sure if that's a similar situation or not; it's not gender-biased the way your interaction was. I'm never sure what to say that wouldn't sound angry or annoying or like I take it too seriously, even when I take it *very* seriously. If someone ever made a comment like that about women or redheads or lefties, I would nuke from orbit.

[drwex]

Noted. *crosses you off the list of people I should tell my redhead jokes to* My first wife was a redhead; I used to know a lot of jokes.

The "blonde" thing is almost always 'blonde women' so it tends to read as sexist to me. But I could be making assumptions there.

[rednikki.livejournal.com]

I would have done the same thing you did, actually.

[vibrantabyss.livejournal.com]

I would have responded about the same as you did, with an "Excuse me?" beforehand, and without feeling the least bit off about saying it, because that... that is a heaping spoon of irony there.

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

I actually know a married couple in which the male is blonde and the female makes jokes about his being so, in the sense of his mental agility and the lack thereof. He doesn't seem to mind and their dynamic is playful and loving, so I don't protest or even comment. It works for them and there's value in that.

Buuuut if someone made a comment like that without the loving playfulness or intimacy of a happy relationship, I would likely say as kindly as possible that that sort of deprecating humor makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I'm a bit sensitive (maybe?) but I never find any sort of deprecation, be it self- or otherwise, to be funny or positive. There are many other ways to be positive and put people at their ease.

Ergo, well-spotted. No jokes about redheads, please, or self-deprecation. I've actually had serious conversations with friends and sweeties who tend to self-efface (no, not sunspiral; I do have other sweeties) to nip that interactive behavior in the bud. If I think that you're wonderful, you wouldn't want to monkey with that. And if I don't think you're wonderful, you wouldn't want to fuel that fire.

[sariel-t.livejournal.com]

I can't say that I would have done anything differently, but I'd like to tell you that I read this and my immediate response was "gosh, this is one of the reasons I like and feel so utterly safe around you."

[intuition-ist.livejournal.com]

taking the interaction as written, I'm assuming the thought process on her part was "well, guys probably don't tend to like fruit-flavored sodas, and I don't see guys ordering them that often, but *I* like them, therefore it must be because I'm a girl."

It probably says something about my age and backstory that it seemed like a mostly-normal thing for her to say, and that I blinked a couple of times in response to your described reaction, and then went "oh, ok, that probably says something about my age and backstory, etc..."

sometimes, a conversation is just a conversation. :)

[eccentrific.livejournal.com]

I had to google it... according to at least one major study, boys are more likely to prefer sweeter things.

[(Anonymous)]

I recently developed a new perspective on these sorts of things, thanks to a friend who is transitioning from male to female. She noticed, as she transitioned hormonally that her color perception changed. While she used to prefer dark or muted colors, she found herself liking bright colors and pastels much more than before. So, maybe there is some hormonal reason that women like different colors than men do?

We know that genetics can effect how people taste things (cilantro, bergamot, etc.). I've often wondered if my perception of bagpipe music differs from other people's perception, and if so, whether that might be genetic. I simply _love_ bagpipe music, but I understand that a lot of other people don't. Could I hear it differently than they do?

So, I think it is at least possible that women are more likely to enjoy certain foods than men, either due to hormones or genetics. I'd guess, though, that the range of tastes for men and women overlaps more than it differs.

[mrw42.livejournal.com]

That last comment was from me… I didn't realize that I wasn't logged in.

[shades-of-nyx.livejournal.com]

Say nothing.
If you butt in, you're guilty of "mansplaining." Nobody likes mansplaining.

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

Iiinterrresting. And good to know.

Not sure if it came across that I was assuming that the young woman behind the counter was referring to the sweetness of the soda as the reason she would, as a girl, prefer it. That was just my reading of the most likely interpretation given the wording of the interaction. I wouldn't want to make assumptions; my asking if she thought girls liked things sweeter would have been my way of asking for that clarification. She might have replied, 'no, I'm a girl and so I like blueberries' or something. And that would have been another data point.

And why do I want to now reply, 'I overthink things, but I'm a geek' in the same vein as the soda conversation?

[magically25.livejournal.com]

Girl as in female not male = sexist? Females prefer sweeter?
Or
Girl as in not woman = ageist? Younger people prefer sweeter?
Tricky one

[minkrose]

Fwiw, please put me on your list of people to tell redhead jokes to. As I'm not a natural redhead, I love making fun of my fake haircolor. I also don't have red-enough hair that ANYONE tells redheaded jokes to me (I am just now realising this).

(also, I apparently don't have any henna'd hair icons. Huh.)

[minkrose]

I hear stuff like this a lot. But, my reply doesn't do you much good... I would've said "Really? I don't like sweet things but my husband LOVES them. He's got the sweet tooth in our household!"

Most of the dudes I know? Love "girly" drinks. Indeed, the person who got me into cosmos was a over-6 ft tall Indian man. He loved pink, sweet drinks way more than I ever did.

So yeah, usually when someone says something that makes a gender based assumption, I say "Oh, really? I know people who don't fit into that category!" Or some other kind of "that hasn't been my experience" counter-example. No idea if this is effective or not, but it makes me feel better.

[harvey-rrit.livejournal.com]

I knew my poor social skills had a purpose.

My reaction when I read that was, start to finish: "And?"

(At that, I have toned it down since I was a kid and saw my mother and sisters making-- and eating-- "divinity", a substance I can best describe as candied marshmallows. My response then would have been, "No excuse.")

[drwex]

heh. You have a thing for awkward men who over-think things? *grin*

Thank you, dear.

[drwex]

Perhaps so. It's an interesting question but I have no scientific knowledge on which to draw an answer.

[drwex]

Yep. I do it less often these days, but still guilty as charged.

[drwex]

Very tricky. I don't think, even on reflection, that there's a clear right or good answer.

[drwex]

Nod. I also tend to have quite the sweet tooth for some things, but not others. I take my tea unsweetened by preference, fr'ex.

[drwex]

Yeah, that's why I tend to chew these things over once they're past 'cause I figure if it happened once it'll happen again and NEXT time...