drwex | Journaling project, Day 19 (Reply)

Even when it seems personal, rarely do people do things because of you, they do things because of them. You know this is true. You may not be able control all the things people say and do to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Make that decision for yourself today.

What’s something you often take too personally even though, logically, you know better? How does consciously removing this burden from your mind in this moment feel?

Another "sigh" for the neuronormative language. Some people simply cannot "choose" not to be affected by negative comments. Also again, this prompt seems to assumes that people have some magical ability to tell when things really are about other people versus them. Like, if someone's doing something aggressive toward me is that because of them - they're choosing an aggressive approach because of what's going on in their head? Or is it because of me - I came across to them as aggressive first and they now believe this is the correct way to respond?

I do agree that people take a lot of things too personally. I work in a field where critique, feedback, and iteration are a normal part of the process (or should be). Critique is hard, and lots of people do it badly and lots of people take it badly no matter what. Doing a good design critique is an art and it requires people practice. There's further work and practice in figuring out how to learn from a critique. And certainly the effort of separating the self from the product is part of that.

It's hard when people tell you that your baby is ugly, but it's also necessary to realize that this isn't about you. The more effort you've put into that baby the harder the hit can be. Some creative types I know live by the "kill your darlings" motto - if you think something is too clever or too precious or too perfect it's better to "kill" it before becoming too attached to it. I fall into these pits myself - I think I'm clever and my answers are very often right. I get attached to having the right answer and when the answer is wrong (or other people aren't convinced it's right) I can take it too personally.

But mostly I just wait for them to figure it out and try not to gloat too much or too obviously once they do.