Journaling project, Day 21

[drwex]

Don’t lower your standards, but do remember that removing your expectations of others is the best way to avoid being disappointed by them. You will end up sadly disappointed if you expect people will always do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.

How have your expectations of others gotten the best of you recently? How will you remind yourself to ease your expectations today?

Interesting that this prompt comes a day after one of my commenters mentioned that you can sort of meta-interpret the prompts to this point as being "if all else fails, lower your standards." So now it says this, and let's see.

Sure, if I don't expect anything of other people I won't be disappointed in them. I'll also be, like, a lighthouse keeper on a rock nobody visits. C'mon, be realistic. I tend to think even the Dalai Lama has expectations of other people, so what does this mean? Sure, nobody's exactly going to do for me as I do for them. Let's take that apart in two different ways.

In one sense, I read this as talking to the inequalities that are often visited on women in cis bi-gendered relationships. As the majority model, women do the majority of child-rearing, the majority of the familial emotional labor, the majority of the household work, and so on. But isn't that WRONG? Why shouldn't a person - of whatever gender or relationship situation - expect that a partner in that relationship will do for them as they do? I've certainly complained that some relationships I had fell by the wayside because the other person wasn't willing to put the same energy into maintaining the relationship as I was. Right now I have two good friends whom I see regularly and that's in large part because both of them take the time to reach out and do the complex calendar dance with me. Other people who don't... well, maybe I see them once or twice a year.

Regardess, I think the point is that this isn't a good model. Inequality in this sense is not something to accept as normal. It's something to discuss and work on. You can't compel someone to participate in a relationship in the same way or degree that you do, but you can explain that the deficiency is detrimental to the relationship. It's not something one should simply accept, I think.

Second, related point. One of the bits of poly advice I often give is that you can't ever be "equal." No two people love and express identically. What matters, I think, is not "equal" but "fair." If I have two partners whom I treat differently (as I always will) but each one feels they are being dealt with fairly then that's a good state. Problems arise when I don't treat my partners fairly, especially when I am treating one fairly at the expense of the other. At a minimum that requires a conversation (hey, I know I promised to do this movie with you, but my other partner is dealing with his dad being in hospital and needs extra support right now) and a commitment to make things right in the future. What it doesn't require is the other person just expecting I'm not going to do my part.

In regards to the question, I refer back to the response to Day 20. I expect that people I interact with are going to be decent, non-racist, non-*phobic individuals. This is non-negotiable. Not in the sense I expect people to be perfect - goodness knows I've emitted some horrible things and have plenty of my own *isms to work through - but be committed to doing that work. Not negotiable otherwise, nor am I lowering my expectations of others.

People are, in fact, going to be racist shitbags. They're coming out of the woodwork these days, thanks to the Enabler-in-Chief. I have no tolerance for it, no civility, and no willingness to "ease my expectations" of decent human behavior.

Less dramatically, yeah I figure people aren't going to keep their ends of relationships. That's sort of human nature I guess. I'm not going to work myself into a tizzy about it, but I still feel it acutely and I'm not willing to ease up.

I might be a stubborn bastard.

Comments

[pygment]

From my reading, and in hearing the Dalai Lama, Buddhism says that hope, and wanting are toxic emotions. That living in the moment of mindfulness is not having expectations of others but being able to sit with the compassion and understanding of them being as they are.

In trying to use parts of this philosophy to deal with my anxiety, I have felt some of the passiveness of this philosophy and worked on the active parts of setting expectations with others, trying to let go of the expectation of completion within a certain about of time, and being mindful of the results.

In taking my expectations away from the front of my vision, it has helped me see how having certain expectations fed my anxiety. The language of judgement around what happens if people don't live up to my expectation caused me to define my worth by others lack of action. By reducing my expectations from others, I was able to increase my feelings of self and allowed me to say that when people don't live up to things this is about them, less about me. It has allowed me to chose differently who I spend my time trying to do things with, talking to, investing my energy in.

So by reducing my standards of response I've increased my standards of relationships and self value.

[drwex]

<3

Interesting. In our conversations around searching for new partners it's seemed you're doing the opposite. That is, raising your standards and expecting that if people are going to be worth your time they'll show it by meeting those higher standards. It has seemed that by having and holding to your expectations you've increased your self-esteem and sense of self-worth. You expect people to behave in ways X, Y, and Z because you are worth that effort; contrariwise, people who don't put in the effort to meet those expectations are showing that they don't value you.

At least, that's what it looks like from my side of the room.

[flexagon]

You say "People are, in fact, going to be racist shitbags". Then you say you have "no willingness to ease your expectations of decent human behavior".

I think the word "expectations" in that second sentence is being used in a non-standard way. I might paraphrase my understanding as: your definition of decent human behavior includes not being racist.

You also expect -- as in, predict that you will see in the future -- a fair amount of not-decent behavior from human beings.

If that's right, then I wonder if it's largely the two definitions of "expectation" that's proving so difficult about these prompts right now.

[drwex]

That's not an unreasonable theory. "I expect..." in the sense of "There's a non-zero chance this is going to happen..." versus "I expect..." as in "I predict this specific outcome" in the majority/most likely sense. And also "I hold this standard for..." So at least three meanings.

When you say "...that second sentence..." which sentence did you mean?

[mizarchivist]

This is a great topic.
I think about this stuff a lot (I know, quelle surprise.)
It's also a topic that's further talked about a LOT in al anon. The only thing you can control is yourself.
I like your assessment and notion of fair over equal in the friendship dynamic. What I think is important here is being able to acknowledge emotional labor being done and being proactive. Also being aware of what kind of interaction is valuable to yourself (and advocating) and knowing in turn at least the basic concept of what your partner(s) need to feel supported.

[pygment]

I think the difference is where/when the expectation gets set. I set clear expectations at the outset. But my value, to me, is not attached to if the person is able to meet those expectations. Let's say I've told someone that making an effort to include me in their life is a thing and the other person doesn't, yet. But I've reduced the need for it to happen now, reduced my expectations on the timelines things need to happen in. I can accept that the person may have things happening, that I'm still important, but that doesn't mean I have to build a relationship with that person. I can be ok by reducing my expectations and the investment in those expectations.

Another example: If I'm heading to an event, and I have expectations, and those aren't met, I will likely say I have not enjoyed that event. If I have no expectations and can just enjoy what happens, then I will report better feelings. By reducing my prior expectations I can have a better time.