Journaling project, Day 36

[drwex]

The older we grow, the more peaceful we become. Life humbles us gradually as we age. We realize how much nonsense we’ve wasted time on. So, just do your best right now to feel the peace that flows from your decision to rise above the petty drama that doesn’t really matter.

What kind of drama do you sometimes get caught up in? What can you do to rise above it?

Sigh. I'm not more peaceful, I'm just tired. I'm not more humble, I'm just more sparing with my allocations. Seriously, who writes this shit? When I grow old I shall wear purple (thank you Jenny Joseph) and hope to live long enough to be an embarrassment to my grandchildren. I look forward to days when I don't have to be at work 9-5 and can go sit in my legislators' offices and make a royal pain of myself.

I'm also leery of people who complain about "drama" or "petty drama". Who are you to judge what other people invest their emotional energy in? I am raising/have raised two teenagers and let me tell you there is no drama like teenager drama. I am reminded, as we are just a day after the gas explosions in MA, that "human error" is often blamed for these things but errors don't occur in a vacuum. There are situations and circumstances that surround and cause or encourage errors. Likewise, drama does not take place in a vacuum. People have histories of interactions, and learned responses, and experiences - or lack of same, especially if they're teenagers - that distort their judgment yardsticks.

I try not to consider myself "above" drama nor characterize it as "petty". I may not (again, often with teenagers) attach nearly the importance to things that others do. I may also draw boundaries because I don't have the emotional energy to engage with it. I've certainly done that recently with some drama related to a volunteer organization.

But that's my own choice, just like it's my choice to invest my emotional energy in things and ways that other people no doubt think is dramatic. So if I take the question to be "how are you maintaining healthy emotional boundaries?" then I can relate to that in what I hope is a less judgmental way.

In particular, I've been adamant since the last presidential election that I'd need to pick and choose my issues. I'm very invested in issues of trans (and generally LGBTQ+) health and safety. I'm invested in issues of asylum and refugees. Is my response to these crises dramatic? Yes. Is it hard to deprioritize other things I care about? Yes. Am I going to tell someone "it doesn't really matter?" No.

I hope people can understand that sentences like "it doesn't matter (that much) to me" is not intended as a put-down or a statement that their concerns are not important to them. It's a statement about how I'm working to run this trauma marathon and come out of it healthy and sane and as whole as I can.

And since we are in this particular season, let me add a note to say that if I've ever expressed this kind of sentiment to you and it hasn't been clear - if my words or actions or choices have been harmful - I apologize.

Comments

[redbird]

Yes. There's a huge difference between "I can't phone bank for $thing_I_agree_with because I'm going to be campaigning for Yes on 3" and telling someone else that they shouldn't be working on some other cause.

I am trying to phrase it as "Other thing is a higher priority for me" than as "that doesn't matter as much to me," because people won't always register the "as much," and may think I'm saying that a particular cause is less important to me than petting the cat. What I'm actually saying is that I only have so much energy for activism, and petting the cat is part of my self-care because I am not expendable.

[elusiveat]

I am trying to phrase it as "Other thing is a higher priority for me" than as "that doesn't matter as much to me," because people won't always register the "as much," and may think I'm saying that a particular cause is less important to me than petting the cat.

I like this.

I'll also add that I'm fairly certain that I *have* had people say "that doesn't matter to me" and gotten the sense that they really truly do not give a f*ck about the cause in question.

[drwex]

Yeah it's a better phrase. I have to be careful about things like that - phrases that are casual shorthands for me get taken more seriously by others.

[elusiveat]

Thanks for taking my comment in stride. I think RedBird phrased it a bit better.

[corylea]

You seem so much more mature and thoughtful than whoever wrote these prompts, so kudos, you.

Also, I loved this line: I look forward to days when I don't have to be at work 9-5 and can go sit in my legislators' offices and make a royal pain of myself. That's a wonderful ambition.

[drwex]

Thanks. I don't think I'm more mature - I just feel like the prompts are addressing people who Are Not Me. Pygment has said that she has very different responses to the prompts. I've encouraged her to write hers down but ... ah well.

[elusiveat]

Thanks. I don't think I'm more mature - I just feel like the prompts are addressing people who Are Not Me.

I think you've said this before, and I'm finding it a really helpfully informative lens through which to read your responses. I also appreciate that very often, when you do express high levels of negativity in the first few paragraphs (which I often find to be not-the-easiest-thing-to-read, even when I didn't particularly like the prompt myself), you very often back out and give a response that seems more aligned with trying to understand and respond to a best-intentions interpretation of the prompt.

[drwex]

Thank you that's very kind, and useful feedback. Can you say why you (as you're clearly not the only one) feel that it's hard to read if I'm expressing negativity?

[elusiveat]

Along with a whole lot of other people, I seem to be fairly on edge lately. I'm currently going through a combination grieving plus can-we-fix-this process around the fact that from my perspective the internet used to be a place to exchange ideas and that now it feels primarily like a place where even the good guys seem to put a lot of energy into punishing people who don't have precisely the correct opinions.

When I read "Seriously, who writes this shit?" and the target of the comment seems to be somebody with not-evil intentions (which I perceive to be true for the people writing these prompts), the message that I get is that this is yet another online space where failure to express exactly the right views or to express them in exactly the right way is likely to bring down a rain of verbal abuse that borders on ostracism.

I think the level of anxiety that I feel in even writing the comment that I am composing right this second is symptomatic of deep, deep problems. I think maybe 20% of the problem is me, and 80% of the problem is the over-culture.

[gale_storm]

"really helpfully informative lens" and "over-culture"

Just wanted to say how cool and useful those terms are, as well as to add into the choppy nature of the subject that even the baby pool can seem deadly to some.

[elusiveat]

Thank you for the compliment. Glad those turns of phrase are appreciated.

as well as to add into the choppy nature of the subject that even the baby pool can seem deadly to some

Not sure exactly where you are going with this statement. Could you elaborate?

[drwex]

Well, thank you for persevering and thank you for letting me know your response.