Are we not welcome?
Sep. 17th, 2018 04:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
drwexWhen I was growing up, I was taught please, and thank you, and you're welcome. I even learned the ASL for those, as part of trying to give our kids more communication channels. Over time, and I think particularly in the last decade, our language has shifted and now you almost never hear people say, "You're welcome" anymore.
Instead, we respond to "thank you" with "thank you". This is interesting to me because I think it reflects on a presumed response to power dynamics. If you thank me, and I say "you're welcome" I'm apparently evincing a kind of superiority. You should be thankful, it seems to say, and I am generously giving what you have received and been thankful for.
That's very different from how I learned it as a child. "You're welcome" was originally taught to me as a way to acknowledge the values of sharing and gifting. By giving things, or time, or favors to others, we were affirming the others' value as a person. The same logic that, today, encourages us not to avert our eyes from, say, people begging on the streets, or people suffering homelessness sleeping under bridges was the logic I learned as a child. When I failed to say "you're welcome" or if I said something self-deprecating like "oh, it was nothing" it was somewhere between false modesty and a denial of the importance of the other person.
There are, however, other values to the responsive thank you. For example, it helps us call out more equal exchanges. If you come to my party I might say "Thanks for coming" and then you might respond "Thanks for hosting." We acknowledge that we've each done something valuable and appreciate it. Reading over more writing prompts (yes, I'm doing more of that) I've been reading about peoples' gratitude projects. It seems like those that have more impact are those that ask people to be more specific about their gratitude. I'm not just grateful for the people in my life, I'm grateful for the people who take the time to respond to my posts; I'm grateful (thankful) for the people who trust that I have good intentions even when I have bad words. If people thank me for this, I want to thank them in return because I feel an equality of interchange.
Where do you guys fall on this spectrum? Were you taught the way I was? Have you changed your language (deliberately)?
Instead, we respond to "thank you" with "thank you". This is interesting to me because I think it reflects on a presumed response to power dynamics. If you thank me, and I say "you're welcome" I'm apparently evincing a kind of superiority. You should be thankful, it seems to say, and I am generously giving what you have received and been thankful for.
That's very different from how I learned it as a child. "You're welcome" was originally taught to me as a way to acknowledge the values of sharing and gifting. By giving things, or time, or favors to others, we were affirming the others' value as a person. The same logic that, today, encourages us not to avert our eyes from, say, people begging on the streets, or people suffering homelessness sleeping under bridges was the logic I learned as a child. When I failed to say "you're welcome" or if I said something self-deprecating like "oh, it was nothing" it was somewhere between false modesty and a denial of the importance of the other person.
There are, however, other values to the responsive thank you. For example, it helps us call out more equal exchanges. If you come to my party I might say "Thanks for coming" and then you might respond "Thanks for hosting." We acknowledge that we've each done something valuable and appreciate it. Reading over more writing prompts (yes, I'm doing more of that) I've been reading about peoples' gratitude projects. It seems like those that have more impact are those that ask people to be more specific about their gratitude. I'm not just grateful for the people in my life, I'm grateful for the people who take the time to respond to my posts; I'm grateful (thankful) for the people who trust that I have good intentions even when I have bad words. If people thank me for this, I want to thank them in return because I feel an equality of interchange.
Where do you guys fall on this spectrum? Were you taught the way I was? Have you changed your language (deliberately)?
no subject
Date: 2018-09-18 01:21 pm (UTC)