Journaling project, Day 38

[drwex]

It’s not too late. You aren’t behind. You’re exactly where you need to be. Every step is necessary. Don’t judge or berate yourself for how long your journey is taking. We all need our own time to travel our own distance. Give yourself credit. And be thankful you made it this far.

How far have you come? How much have you grown? Think about the specifics of your recent and long-term growth. What have you not given yourself enough credit for? Give yourself credit right now.

We've already dealt with the "you are exactly where you need to be" nonsense before. I won't rehash it; suffice it to say I find that it reeks of privilege and condescension. My thoughts go out to friends here who are battling cancer and depression; this is not where you need to be and I hope you find a clear path to the right places for your true needs.

The message here seems to be about the length or time of a journey. I do know people (including myself) who feel like if they haven't accomplished Thing X by Age Y then they're a failure. I hate those "40 things to do before you're 40" lists because to hell with that. My life is not a playbook someone else laid out and my goalposts are not defined by abstractions. So, yes, I very much believe we all need our own time to travel our own distances. I always knew I wanted a PhD. Finding a time and way to get mine that wasn't the expected "straight on" path was the right thing for me.

Likewise, the only regret I've ever had about having kids is that I wasn't in a place and situation to have them ten years earlier. Having kids when I did was scary to me and it was harder than anything else I've ever done or likely ever will do. But having kids in a situation where I didn't have the right partner and the right support would only have made things harder and worse. Whatever else my kids take out of their interactions with me, I hope they'll always remember that they were wanted, and the long strange road it took to get to that place.

Turning to the question of "how much growth" - it's very hard for me to judge. In one sense I still think of myself as the same person I've always been. There are notable events and things that have changed me. I have come to agree with the notion that "parents" are a separate tribe of humans from "non-parents" and I'm sort of OK with that. But I think this is more about the internal change and for me that's been one long process of discovering what's wrong, trying to figure out how to fix it, and then trying a bunch of things to fix it.

Last time I wrote about trying to manage my anger issues. I didn't even know I had them, for a long time. My brother was always the angry one - I was the peacemaker/peacekeeper. I had no idea what "mansplaining" was for a long time. I didn't understand privilege, nor the degree to which I carry and express unconscious *isms. I didn't understand how much baggage I've been carrying due to my trauma. And on and on. Each time I've come to understand that I have a problem and have undertaken to fix it.

Maybe I've fixed some of those things. Maybe not. Should I give myself credit for change? I tend to think not - if anything, I'd like to give myself credit for a dedication to discovery and doing the damned work. Goodness knows there are days I'd like to be able to retreat into old shells of ignorance.

A friend of mine pointed out that one of the challenges of having people with whom I've interacted over a long period of time is that sometimes they're reacting as if I was the drwex of old. If I've changed, but not changed enough to dislodge peoples' old impressions of me, have I really changed? Or does it really matter? I have a hard time giving myself credit for that.

Comments

[elusiveat]

If I've changed, but not changed enough to dislodge peoples' old impressions of me, have I really changed?

I'm curious why you feel this would matter.

[drwex]

It comes down to "a difference that makes no difference is not a difference". In a situation where I'm uncertain how much real change I've effected, one way to measure that change is to see how it impacts others.

While it may be true that others have formed opinions and are unable or unwilling to change them, it may also be true that what seems like change to me is insignificant in the eyes of others. Thus my core question - have I really changed?

[elusiveat]

Equally important to whether you have induced people to change their opinions is whether new acquaintances form better opinions than past new acquaintances, no?

[drwex]

That's... mostly true. "new acquaintances" don't carry the social weight of people whom I've known and who have stuck around for some time, or who are still active in the social circles I want to stay connected with.

Also, I'm terrible at making new friends.

[pygment]

You can't control what others think, feel, or see. And if your value, your degree of change is only valid if it's reflected from the outside then you are giving others control over your growth.

[drwex]

Sure, but how do you distinguish this from a situation where someone (maybe me) only does some perfunctory surface-level thing and insists they're done without doing the deep hard work you think they should do?

One way, I think, would be by pointing out that a perfunctory things (e.g. a casual "I'm sorry") isn't affecting the situation caused by something like an earlier misbehavior. That is, you use the external yardstick of others' reactions to judge the depth and sincerity of a change.

[gale_storm]

"dislodge peoples' old impressions of me"

Is dislodging the old impressions more difficult than, say, people remembering to use whatever pronoun that someone had previously identified with? Okay, it is more difficult and multi-layered to boot, but maybe ... well, I don't know whether it could help at all but this does serve as a reason for my not being at all social of late.

Paradise

[mizarchivist]

Is exactly like... where you are right now, only MUCH ... MUCH ... *better*
(You knew I was going to say that, right? Of course you did)

I am able to read into the prompt not that you are supposed to be here (in depression, dealing with cancer), but that one shouldn't feel like a failure because they're not further along in whatever evolution they are pursuing.

This is a thing I'm struggling with so hard over right now because I appear to lack self-compassion sort of all the time. And so I'm hoping I can be OK with my journey and its progress (or lack thereof) ... ever, really.

Maybe I've fixed some of those things. Maybe not. Should I give myself credit for change? I tend to think not - if anything, I'd like to give myself credit for a dedication to discovery and doing the damned work. Goodness knows there are days I'd like to be able to retreat into old shells of ignorance.

I think there's room for giving yourself credit and for the more meta of knowing the change was important.

tldr, I am proud to be your friend and glad to see you questioning how you move through the world, and striving for ways to do it with greater kindness, compassion, and .... sharing. <3

Re: Paradise

[drwex]

one shouldn't feel like a failure because they're not further along in whatever evolution they are pursuing

I agree with that. I just am of the mind that if that is what one meant then that is what one ought to say. "meant to be" is a phrase one hears all too often in victim-blaming and responsibility-dodging statements.

I appear to lack self-compassion sort of all the time

We are always our own worst critics.

<3 Thank you for chiming in.

Re: Paradise

[mizarchivist]

Yeah-- they do like to use that to bludgeon. And I think we've had enough of that blunt instrument.