![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
50 vs 20, Part 1
Oct. 24th, 2018 04:38 pmI have another series of writing prompts that I want to dig into, but my attention got grabbed (I guess it did its job) by a headline "What 50-year-olds know that 20-year-olds often don’t".
Here's the original: https://www.theladders.com/career-advice/what-50-year-olds-know-that-20-year-olds-often-dont
I figure since I'm over 50 I'll take it point-by-point and add my thoughts. I doubt it'll fit into one post, but I also don't want to drag it out, so let's see what looks like a reasonable chunk.
I think around age 20 I started to grok this. Partly because I worked in food service as a teen, then later in college as a part-timer in a bar. Also, my undergrad degree was made possible by a kindly admin (ask me for the story, sometime). Random acts of kindness didn't enter my brainspace until later, though, and it was later still that I read the science behind the pro-survival effects of being kind. I'm still a troll, though. Mostly.
Well, yeah. When you grow up being told negative things about yourself your two choices seem to be to say "fuck those idiots" or give in to the pressure. I chose the first path. If anything, my problem has been moving too aggressively in that direction, to the degree where I have trouble hearing people who are well-meaning and trying to give me advice or warning. Much of what I wrote about in response to the earlier set of prompts was the presumption that a person would understand or know a distinction (e.g. between admirable perseverance vs undesirable attachment to things that should be let go). In those situations, having external points of view you can trust is important and that's a lesson it took me WAY too long to learn.
I dunno. I still don't believe others are as worried or insecure but hey, welcome to Anxiety Disorder 101. I think the core message here is that we all suffer from worries, insecurity, impostor syndrome - call it what you want. Our society certainly lionizes people who project airs of assurance and confidence. There are also many socially powerful forces penalizing people for saying "I don't know" rather than recognizing that as a first step toward learning. I am really a big fan of xkcd's "10,000 people" (https://www.xkcd.com/1053/) as a way to help me think about approaching people who are willing to express their ignorance honestly.
Ugh, this one is painful for me to remember because it particularly brings to mind a situation in which I gave a presentation that had a big horking problem. I couldn't stop apologizing for it, even though it wasn't really my error. I felt like the mistake had ruined things for people; in reality, most people just brushed it off but my words kept bringing it back to mind. BIG MISTAKE!
I think some of this got tamped down by working in theater tech. There are so many things that go wrong during a show that the audience doesn't see. Backstage, you see it all. And hey, as long as they don't see it and are still having a good time enjoying the show that's all that matters.
A lot like the one before. I never felt like I fit in anywhere until I moved to the Boston area and by dumb luck found my tribe. I'd even been to SF cons and events before, gaming - many of the nerd gathering places. But it was definitely at Arisia that I found my tribe. That's another long story unto itself - the point is that I never felt like I was going to fit in anyway and so I never even tried. I wasn't going to lose my glasses nor my big ears and I was always shit at hiding how much more I knew than others. Nor was I going to give up my nerd passions (D&D forEVah!) so yeah, fitting in was just never an option for me.
I wouldn't so much attribute this to confidence - I'm more fond of "authentic". Being an authentic version of myself is something I've been trying to figure out my whole life. I promise if I somehow discover the secret I'll share it. More realistically, I expect that on my deathbed I'll look back and be able to make an honest judgment of whether or not I've succeeded.
Here's the original: https://www.theladders.com/career-advice/what-50-year-olds-know-that-20-year-olds-often-dont
I figure since I'm over 50 I'll take it point-by-point and add my thoughts. I doubt it'll fit into one post, but I also don't want to drag it out, so let's see what looks like a reasonable chunk.
Be kind. The benefits of being kind—or at the very least courteous—far outweigh the effort you put in. Do random acts of kindness. Compliment someone. If a retail or food-service worker makes a mistake, be understanding and patient. Kind people live longer than unkind people.
I think around age 20 I started to grok this. Partly because I worked in food service as a teen, then later in college as a part-timer in a bar. Also, my undergrad degree was made possible by a kindly admin (ask me for the story, sometime). Random acts of kindness didn't enter my brainspace until later, though, and it was later still that I read the science behind the pro-survival effects of being kind. I'm still a troll, though. Mostly.
I know myself better than anyone else. I don’t let anyone else’s opinions control what I do, what I wear, or what I say. Other people’s opinions are suggestions—take them or leave them.
Well, yeah. When you grow up being told negative things about yourself your two choices seem to be to say "fuck those idiots" or give in to the pressure. I chose the first path. If anything, my problem has been moving too aggressively in that direction, to the degree where I have trouble hearing people who are well-meaning and trying to give me advice or warning. Much of what I wrote about in response to the earlier set of prompts was the presumption that a person would understand or know a distinction (e.g. between admirable perseverance vs undesirable attachment to things that should be let go). In those situations, having external points of view you can trust is important and that's a lesson it took me WAY too long to learn.
Everyone else is as worried and insecure as you are. Some people just hide it better. It doesn’t mean that they are any smarter or better than you.
I dunno. I still don't believe others are as worried or insecure but hey, welcome to Anxiety Disorder 101. I think the core message here is that we all suffer from worries, insecurity, impostor syndrome - call it what you want. Our society certainly lionizes people who project airs of assurance and confidence. There are also many socially powerful forces penalizing people for saying "I don't know" rather than recognizing that as a first step toward learning. I am really a big fan of xkcd's "10,000 people" (https://www.xkcd.com/1053/) as a way to help me think about approaching people who are willing to express their ignorance honestly.
Laugh it off. If you make a mistake, fall down, or do something dumb, just laugh it off. Other people (and you) will forget it a lot faster if you just let it roll off your back. EVERYONE makes dumb mistakes. Everyone. You aren’t alone, and you aren’t the biggest idiot in the world. Give yourself a break.
Ugh, this one is painful for me to remember because it particularly brings to mind a situation in which I gave a presentation that had a big horking problem. I couldn't stop apologizing for it, even though it wasn't really my error. I felt like the mistake had ruined things for people; in reality, most people just brushed it off but my words kept bringing it back to mind. BIG MISTAKE!
I think some of this got tamped down by working in theater tech. There are so many things that go wrong during a show that the audience doesn't see. Backstage, you see it all. And hey, as long as they don't see it and are still having a good time enjoying the show that's all that matters.
“Fitting in” is highly overrated. Be you. Confidence is sexy. Besides, great leaders didn’t get where they are by following the crowd.
A lot like the one before. I never felt like I fit in anywhere until I moved to the Boston area and by dumb luck found my tribe. I'd even been to SF cons and events before, gaming - many of the nerd gathering places. But it was definitely at Arisia that I found my tribe. That's another long story unto itself - the point is that I never felt like I was going to fit in anyway and so I never even tried. I wasn't going to lose my glasses nor my big ears and I was always shit at hiding how much more I knew than others. Nor was I going to give up my nerd passions (D&D forEVah!) so yeah, fitting in was just never an option for me.
I wouldn't so much attribute this to confidence - I'm more fond of "authentic". Being an authentic version of myself is something I've been trying to figure out my whole life. I promise if I somehow discover the secret I'll share it. More realistically, I expect that on my deathbed I'll look back and be able to make an honest judgment of whether or not I've succeeded.
