Kvelling about how clever my children are

[drwex]

If you're not into people talking about their kids then just move along, this is not the posting for you...

The mind of the three-year-old:
On Monday Pygment brought L to have a picnic with Daddy. The picnic area at work includes a round fountain with a gravel area around it. Our little activity bug couldn't actually sit and have a picnic. He needed to eat a bite, then run around the fountain. I ran with him a couple of times and he proudly declared that Daddy couldn't catch him. Pygment asked if he could catch Daddy and he proceeded to do try. I dodged to the side. Giggles, try again, I dodge again. More serious now, try again. I dodge.

L: "Daddy, could you stop moving to the side please?"
Me: "OK"
L: *grab* "Gotcha!"

The mind of the six-year-old:
Last night K lost the privilege of the usual bedtime stories due to some random and unrelated misbehavior. While cleaning up his room he found a reward card (*) for an extra bedtime story and asked if he could use that card to get a story. I agreed. My kid, shrewd? Oy. The desire to reward clever thinking won out over the desire to enforce discipline.


(*) Reward cards are K-chosen from a deck of pre-agreed rewards given in response to good interactions or exceptional coping. he doesn't get them just for following the ordinary rules.

Comments

[msdaisy.livejournal.com]

Awesome! I'm especially impressed with K's use of the reward card. And curious about the system. How old was he when you started using it? Does the promise of a card help him gain the extra fortitude to cope in tough situations?

[drwex]

Mmm, I think he was going-on-five when we first started.

We don't promise cards, generally. They're a post-facto recognition. If he asks beforehand we usually say "We'll see" or something else noncommittal.

As I recall it, the card system was instituted as a way for us to reward when it seemed we only had punishments available and we wanted a more balanced approach to parenting. We used to have a more detailed faces system - happy or sad for good or bad interactions - and he could trade in three happy faces for some reward. Having the cards gave him more control. He gets to suggest new cards to be put into the pile, he gets to decorate the cards, he gets to choose which card he wants from the pile and generally he gets to decide when to use them. I think Pygment read about this system somewhere and we just implemented it.

[awfief.livejournal.com]

Ya know, having a 5.5 year old nephew, there are times I'm glad I'm not his parent, because he'll say something and I'll just laugh, when that's not the appropriate response. Those clever things they do.....

Your system is neat. My twin has used 2 systems on his oldest kid -- first there was a "jewels" system, that rewarded good behavior. Basically if he handled a situation well or was good, he got a jewel for each good interaction. There was no negative reinforcement, and no bargaining for them. Once he got a certain # of jewels, he could get a toy. This worked around the late toddler stage.

He's 5.5 now, and about 8 months ago they started a "ladder" for behavior. Basically, every day he gets a ladder score, and if he's high on the ladder he can have an extra bedtime story or a short game before bed (he normally gets 2 bedtime stories and a lullaby). If he's lower, he loses his TV and computer privileges (maybe 30-60 min a day, not much, but he LOVES it) for the next day. If he's high on the ladder a Monday, he gets allowance (a dollar, I think).

And there have been times where he's continued to be nasty because "I'm going to get a 3 on the ladder anyway". Those are always quite close to bedtime, though.

And he also gets 3 reasons every day why each parent loves him (and each adult if there are others visiting). So there's plenty of positive reinforcement, even if he has a horrible day (and of course if he's sick they don't count that against him on the ladder) he still gets 3 reasons why Mommy loves him and 3 reasons why Daddy loves him.

On schmoopier days, Tony and I will tell each other 3 reasons we love each other at night.

[drwex]

I like the concept of reinforcing the "parent loves you anyway" but I don't think giving reasons would work for me. There really aren't reasons.

[qwrrty.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't think of it as "reasons why we love you" so much as "things that we love about you."

[awfief.livejournal.com]

*nod* I was giving a data point, not a suggestion.

At any rate it ends up being more like "Here are a few positive things you did today." Some of the reasons are "when I came home you gave me a big kiss", "You played nicely with your brother while I was making dinner", "You had a lot of fun splashing in the mud puddle."

I totally agree that you love them because they're your children, and there really aren't reasons.

[sweetmmeblue.livejournal.com]

I got the idea from behavioral management charts we would do at school for the really difficult kids. They would list 3 goals and if they got a certain number of points (awarded by their teachers during the day) they'd get a prize of their choosing from the box in nthe social worker's office. We had a chart for a while that gave stars for goals during a day and if Kfir got a full week of stars he got a quarter for goal completed that week. Then he started changing the goals mid week and trying to play the system. This way the cards are given by us to reward good general behavior so that he sees that making good choices has good results. A lot of the cards are bonus things from what we limit (like extra juice, extra TV or computer time, hot cocoa..) and thus it lets him bend the rules.