I am not your usual parent

[drwex]

Recording this for posterity, mostly, and amusement value.

This week we are having the dining room floor redone. To make that possible, we've emptied the room and as part of that emptying the liquor collection is now a mass of bottles in the computer room.

This led to Thing 2 being curious and asking if he could taste various things. Since the kids had already had a reasonable dinner I agreed and they got shot glasses into which I poured very small amounts (a sip or two) of different alcohol types. We sampled a couple rums, gin, and some sweeter things like creme de cacao, Godiva's chocolate liqueur, and so on. Along the way we had an extended discussion of alcohol and why it's restricted so heavily. We talked about how alcohol is absorbed into the blood-stream and some of its effects (*).

All went well to the point where Thing 2 asking if we could repeat the experiment last evening. I suggested it might be good to wait, but no he wanted to try so we continued. A little Oulde gin, some port, and then we got to tequila. I explained the tequila rule (**) and on we went.

Later that night Thing 2 came downstairs feeling quite unwell. A little emotional comfort (***), some chamomile tea, some resting on the couch, and he was ready to go back to bed.

This morning he comes down and tells me that he agrees with my tequila rule. I am BEYOND amused, but all I did was gently point out that he's lucky to have learned it in such a mild manner and that many people have much worse experiences.

Yes, I plan to let my kids sample alcohol with me in the future. No, I'm probably not the usual parent. But damn I'm enjoying this.

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(*) Lately the kids have been more open to these sorts of in-depth discussions, which I love. Earlier in the evening we had talked about why the Reformation had to come after the Renaissance and what that had to do with the founding of certain colonies in America. Trying to do as much of this as possible through Socratic dialogues delights me.

(**) The (my) tequila rule is "no mixing with other alcohols." Drinking tequila means I drink only tequila. I have a similar rule for champagne.

(***) Speaking of emotional comfort, Saturday night Thing 2 was awakened by the sounds of a fireworks display. He came downstairs concerned, I explained, and then there was this awkward pause where he just sort of stood there. I said, "Would you like me to tuck you back in?" He nodded yes, so off we trotted and I got him re-settled, fetched his water bottle for him and kissed him good night on the head. There will come a day when this is no longer possible - in fact, it's pretty rare now that he wants emotional comfort from me - and I am utterly treasuring the days I have.

Comments

[donnad.livejournal.com]

I think it's great that you are letting them try alcohol and not attaching a "no no no, it's forbidden, it's bad... association to it. I think kids/teens overinduge and binge drink because their parents are very uptight about underage drinking and it's something kids do to rebel. Kids that are allowed to try alcohol in a home where it's not forbidden, are kids that wont abuse it as teens and young adults. It's not a big deal to drink alcohol.

[chienne-folle.livejournal.com]

I agree. I also think that two other things drive young people's binge drinking:

1. They want a rite of passage to mark their transition to adulthood. Many cultures give their young people one, but we don't. When I was working on college campuses, I heard a lot of kids talk proudly about how much they had puked the night before, and it became clear that they didn't just want an adulthood ritual, they wanted an ORDEAL, something they could brag about having withstood.
a. I know that Jews have Bar and Bat Mitvahs, and those are fine, but I think 13 is too young to serve as the rite of passage that kids need and want in contemporary society. We need something that happens somewhere between 16 and 19 and something where young people have to test themselves. I guess we can't administer a ritual flogging to all 18-year-olds, after which we hand them their adulthood merit badge ... but I think we need something like it.

2. Most kids hear only "don't" as the rule about alcohol, so in addition to making alcohol seem forbidden and sexy, they also have no idea how much is a reasonable amount to consume on any one occasion. They learn from one another, and what they're learning from one another is that if nobody passed out, then it wasn't too much.

[donnad.livejournal.com]

Yes, this, you have said it much better than I could.

[drwex]

Thanks for adding your thoughts. As I wrote about (rather extensively, I fear) the Bar Mitzvah isn't so much a rite of passage as a demarcation of the start of the journey from childhood to adult-hood.

Interestingly, among our conversations this weekend was one between Thing 2 and me in which he said that he felt our family wasn't extraordinary and that we were just sort of different. I was bemused.

[elusiveat.livejournal.com]

I really like this comment.

[drwex]

Thank you. I wonder what it will be like when my kids get to the age where they can drink without supervision. When I was growing up alcohol wasn't restricted and I did taste my parents' beers and wines. At a later age I drank... um, like a college undergrad. Not so much binge drinking as "there were parties with alcohol and yes I got drunk."

So I expect we'll see. Also, I expect my kids won't tell me about it :)

[sariel-t.livejournal.com]

Excellent. I look forward to seeing all of you next weekend.

[drwex]

And likewise we.

[ceo]

Bravo. I intend to have similar conversations with my own Things 1 and 2 when they're of appropriate ages.

[elusiveat.livejournal.com]

What are appropriate ages?

(I think I was about 5 or 6 the first time my mom offered me a sip of booze. We didn't do tastings. My parents served alcohol at dinner parties and I was allowed to taste a tiny sip of what my mother had. Later on [8 or 9?] we started getting watered down wine at Thanksgiving dinner and so on.)

[keyne.livejournal.com]

Mine are 11 and nearly 15, and we've been offering Boy One sips for two or three years and Boy Two for a few months.

(Boy One is only vaguely interested -- I think marshmallow vodka was the only thing he's been able to stand so far. Boy Two can't stand alcohol period, but he seems to be a supertaster so it's hardly surprising.)

[persis.livejournal.com]

Good for you! I have had similar discussions with my T, and also similar tastings... I would much rather she have her first hangover at home, in a safe environment... So far, she seems to have a lot of sense about her in these regards.

[drwex]

Yeah, well, given her parents that's pretty much expected. :)

[kimberlogic.livejournal.com]

So sensible and awesome!

[drwex]

Only possible because I have awesome kids (when they decide to be awesome).

[mizarchivist]

I definitely learned the tequila rule when I was 22. Eeeesh.

[drwex]

I didn't learn it until I was in Texas. Never was motivated to drink tequila before that.

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

Very sensible. Even, dare I say, European :)

[drwex]

Thank you.

[hammercock.livejournal.com]

I wonder if this kind of thing is more common amongst Jewish families, since ritual consumption of alcohol is something you grow up with. My parents treated alcohol in a similar fashion. If I wanted to taste something they had, I was allowed. As such, booze was not this mystifying s00per sekr1t thing that I had to explore by binge drinking when I reached college. (Hell, my dad gave me my own bottle of vodka when I went off to university.) Yes, I got drunk sometimes and had a couple of hangovers, but I never got blackout drunk, and I only got vomiting-sick maybe twice.

[chienne-folle.livejournal.com]

When I was growing up, my mother never drank at all, and my father had a beer every once in awhile at a restaurant.

When I got to college, I saw people around me getting drunk and thought they seemed stupid, obnoxious, and unpleasant while they were drunk, so I never wanted to emulate them and didn't drink at all at first. When I started going to gay bars to try to pick up girls, I got drinks at the bar because that was how one paid for taking up space, but the first time I had more than one drink, I started to feel different from how I normally feel. That feeling scared and disgusted me, and I put the second drink down half-finished and never had more than one drink after that. Eventually, when I gained a little more confidence and didn't feel as if I had to have a drink in order to fit in, I switched from one screwdriver followed by pure orange juice to pure orange juice the whole evening.

So I'm 55 years old and have never been drunk, even though I wasn't exposed to drinking in a casual way at home. Of course, I often hear how strange I am, so that could be the reason. :D

[tigira.livejournal.com]

Ritual consumption of alcohol is not uncommon in some other religions, as well.

We've gone through some of this with F. He's tasted a couple of beers (he likes stout and ale, not lager as much). He's tasted a couple of wines (followed by sounds like we were choking him).

We talk about getting drunk vs. drinking, though I expect future discussions will get more detailed.

I'm impressed. Again.

[ceo]

My family isn't Jewish, but alcohol was part of family rituals nonetheless. :-) We always had cocktails before dinner on weekend nights, with soda or whatever for the kids, and I think we were allowed to have a martini (winter) or G&T (summer) at about 16. And on the infrequent occasions when we had beer or wine with dinner, I think kids got some starting around 12. So we all had some familiarity with alcohol before we got to college, and it was definitely a good thing. (Though it wasn't until college that I discovered how much I dislike being really drunk.)

[meadmaker.livejournal.com]

Out of curiosity, does your tequila rule apply to tequila shots, or does it prohibit mixed drinks like margaritas as well?

(Hmm. I may have asked this before, but durn if I can remember an answer.)

[drwex]

I adhere to the rule regardless of the form. I am sometimes more lax about things that already include tequila as part of a multi-alcohol drink, but not a maguerita.