Teachable moments

[drwex]

Today I was outside replacing the mailbox with my elder. The mailman happened to arrive and K got the mail from him, in which was a nicely addressed envelope for

Dr and Mrs MYFIRSTNAME OURLASTNAME

K pointed this out to me. What, I wondered, was the problem? He said it made his head hurt.

Why was that? Well, it took some fumbling around but he got to the point of recognizing that he wouldn't like it if he was called by someone else's name.

What, I urged him to think about, did it mean if mail was addressed to a couple by the man's name? He pretty quickly grokked that this had something to do with "men having all the power" and that wasn't a good thing.

The mail item was sent by a lovely couple whom we know well and who I'm sure intended this to be a politeness - a more formal method of address. I'm not sure I can yet convince him that these people meant well, but we take our teachable moments where we find them.

Comments

[woodwardiocom.livejournal.com]

My grandmother apparently considered it perfectly normal to introduce herself as "Mrs. George Dow". To me, the problem is, that isn't her name, it's her role.

[lifecollage.livejournal.com]

Eerie. M and I were just talking about this last night before bed, how my grandmother was Mrs. Arthur Koerber on the envelope, long after my grandfather had died. Specifically, M was shuddering at the idea of me ever being addressed that way.

I agree with you that that naming structure is about the role you have, and in a modern egalitarian world, that just doesn't cut it any more. Women are no longer who they are relative to the men in their lives - we are 'real people' in our right. [And wow, I haven't had coffee yet....]

Go Wex for using the teachable moment to teach, and go K for having the best possible instinctive response to an outdated (I won't say archaic yet) formal address.

[drwex]

It's funny in that I would have passed it over myself with barely a raised eyebrow. K's reaction was the thing that started it all.

As for the notion of 'role' I think that's true but it's a concept I'd have to hand to K. Part of what I wanted to probe here was just what his frame of reference was.

[hammercock.livejournal.com]

Alas, not even keeping my last name after marriage confers absolute immunity from the occasional piece of mail addressed to "Mr. & Mrs. Mansfirstname Manslastname."

[drwex]

I think it depends a great deal on the sender. When I was a kid at camp my grandmother addressed letters to me as "Master FIRSTNAME LASTNAME" and I was utterly delighted, though my bunkmates teased me about it. But I knew it was an expression of affection from my grandmother.

Likewise, here, I know the sender and know that they're applying a certain kind of formality to their announcements.

[hammercock.livejournal.com]

Understandable. My personal standpoint is that particular brand of formality is unwelcome to me, which I kind of expect to be made at least somewhat obvious (at least to those who know me) by the fact that my last name is different than my husband's. To some degree it appears to be generational, too, so I don't make a fuss over it. Nevertheless, it grates.

I actually had a real fight with my mom over such things when I got married the first time and I insisted that the invitations not make reference to my parents as "Mr. and Mrs. Dadsfirstname Ourfamilyname." My mom hated being referred to in that manner in every other context, yet insisted that doing so on the invitation was necessary Because Tradition. To which I responded, fuck tradition, I hate that tradition and I'm not doing it. I won that fight. :-}

[davidfcooper.livejournal.com]

Kudos to your eldest and to his parents!