A thing from this year's Arisia

[drwex]

This is all about me - I'll write generally about the con later, but this is a Learning I had and I want to write it down to help me process.

Over the past few years - maybe a decade - I've become more of an introvert. I'm less likely to go out to events, much more likely to seek 1:1 interactions than group interactions, tire out more, need alone time to recharge, etc.

Sunday ?evening? at Arisia I had, to quote Pygment, "run out of social." Two-plus days of being 'on' for panels, being constantly around people, going to parties, etc. had pretty much used up my supply of social energy. Party-hopping that night was an effort and I was low-key/drag-ass. I refer to it as "running on impulse power".

Anyway, we left one party intending to head to bed but Pygment suggested we stop in another party that was on the same floor, so we did. The party wasn't particularly small, nor particularly quiet. I found myself sitting on the floor sort of on the periphery of a conversation among a small group of a couple friends, acquaintances, and one new person.

To my surprise, I found I had energy. The things that normally I think of as draining - the people, the noise, folks stepping over me, not being fully involved in the conversation - were OK. I was fine, and it ended up being Pygment who eventually suggested we leave.

On the way back to our room from that last party we ran into a couple people, one acquaintance of Pygment's and one... scuse me if I go all elitist stereotypical, but he was a loud, arrogant, thought-he-was-funny-but-really-wasn't guy. A boor. I realized that all the energy I'd gotten back just drained out of me.

I am, and have always been, a curmudgeon. My "totem animal" is a troll, the guy who just wants to hang out under his bridge and not have some noisy sod banging on the roof. I don't mean troll in the modern Internet sense of "jackass who stirs up trouble just to get a reaction" but, troll.

I'm starting to think that it's not "social" per se that drains me, but 'fake' social. I don't mean that to be demeaning to any of my friends because it's a broad spectrum, not a bright line. Sometimes I really can't handle being around anyone and just have to put on my headphones or dive into pixel-fantasy-game-land. Sometimes I deal really well with random social - ask Pygment about the guy from the auto show we talked with in the hotel lobby on Sunday night.

I think I just happened to hit two near-extremes on a continuum in a row: a party of people I felt comfortable with sitting and listening to, and a random person I would just as soon have throat-punched to shut him up. It apparently takes me real energy to deal with that, whereas being in the company of others is more recharging to me.

At this point I imagine lots of you are going "no duh you idiot" but hey I'm slow sometimes. I suppose, looking at things with this lens, I've had lots of cues. I long ago lost track of the number of people who told me variants of, "boy I'm glad I got to talk to you 1:1 because you're so different in person than you are in a group." Some were nicer about it than others.

Anyway, that's the thing and I'm going to sit with it for a while and try to figure out whether it's true and if so what it tells me.

Comments

[marius23.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing this. I do think maybe there is a third category of -vert that isn't simply "somewhere in the middle between the extremes". Shared a post on G+ broaching this topic.

[chienne-folle.livejournal.com]

Interesting.

I'm a pretty serious introvert, but I also do things that less introverted people can't/won't do, which tends to throw people. An hour at a noisy party burns me out for a week, which usually puts me at the far, far end of the introverted spectrum. On the other hand, I'll make small talk with the person in line behind me at the grocery store, and when I was in grad school I gave gay awareness programs (and answered public questions about my sex life) in front of groups of 400, both of which give most introverts the heebie-jeebies. Introvert/extravert is a useful set of categories, but it certainly doesn't explain everything about social energy. :-)

[intuition-ist.livejournal.com]

i'm glad i got to talk to you 1:1 'cause i got to poke your brain more than if i were talking to you at a party. (not at arisia, but still...)

[dcltdw]

Innnnnteresting.

It seems a lot of people in my social circles are trying to break the introvert/extrovert model with something new, since most of us self-identify as introverts, and yet, we're comfortable in classically extrovert situations. "How quickly asshats drain your energy" is neither polite nor succint, but possibly insightful. :)

[mizarchivist]

I believe Utah Phillips referred to that as going on a social diet, he cut the fat-heads out of his interactions.

My chances of running into random blow-hards or others who drain me rather than energize me is a big reason why I don't do some social.

[sariel-t.livejournal.com]

I have become more and more like this as well, over the years.

[sunstealer.livejournal.com]

pretty much all the YES to this entire bit.

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

Yup. Count me in on this too. Even too much 'real' social (as opposed to 'fake') can be draining too, at least it is to me. Glad you found a second wind.

(sorry for the late commenting; I tabbed this a while ago and then wandered off to deal with Stuff...)

[drwex]

Stuff and things. Understood. I appreciate the comments whenever.

I have definitely gotten more introverted in general as I've gotten older (and kids take up SO much of my social energy!) but it was startling to encounter two so widely different examples back to back.