Apologizing is hard

[drwex]

It's particularly hard when one has just been given another reminder of what a giant ass one has been, and how careless.

1. Apologize. Say you are sorry.
-- I am sorry.

2. No matter how much you want to add something, don't, except to add something that shows you understand what you are apologizing for.
-- I am sorry that I have been rude, and thoughtless. I am sorry that I have put so much anger and negative feelings into my words and actions.

3. Do not, unless asked directly, explain or try to justify. That only makes it look like you're trying to shift the blame or are insincere.
-- ...

4. If it is appropriate (and how do you know when it's appropriate? good question - practice observing and listening) state what you will do differently.
-- I will try to take more time off when I need it, rather than pushing myself into a state where I do stupid things - I will be more responsible for my own emotional balance. I will try to keep separate that which ought to be kept separate and not make my problems other peoples' problems.

New Year is past, and it is now the time when Jews ask forgiveness. If I have offended or done you harm, I am sorry. If you want to tell me about it so I can more properly apologize I would welcome that.

Comments

[chienne-folle.livejournal.com]

I admire the way you do this every year. I know Jewish culture calls for it, but I know a lot of Jews, and you're the only one I've ever known who issues a blanket "let me know if I've offended you." That takes guts, so kudos.

[drwex]

Thank you. I try to find people whom I know I have, or think I might have, offended and apologize directly to them, but it's often the case that I'm unaware of other offenses I've committed.

And yeah, it doesn't get easier to write these no matter how many years I've been trying.

[minkrose]

I agree completely.

[vvalkyri.livejournal.com]

Weird. In my online circles I know a fair number of people who do; I'm especially late with it this year for a few reasons. (A main one being not dealing well with writing in general of late, but another main one being that people keep putting thinky things in their posts and so my thoughts on what to write become more complicated than repeating what I've said in prior years. FWIW, http://vvalkyri.livejournal.com/1436801.html was last year. (somewhat commented so I can find it later today.)

Re thinky things I'd maybe want to link to, this and the followup post, and after a good half hour of looking for the other one over on FB, I've googled the plate thing - that apology is only the first step of healing a wrong, and it might not always be possible to make a relationship whole again, either.

Edit: drwex, do you find these posts get response re issues to deal with? I get mostly side conversation and kudos, and only rarely get someone contacting me about feeling hurt. That said, perhaps I'm at least managing to get across that I have an interest in trying to address stuff, regardless of the date, or perhaps it is already more obvious to me when there is a problem than I fear.

[drwex]

I get mostly side conversation and kudos, and only rarely get someone contacting me about feeling hurt.

This. I think it's hard for people to respond to something like this, even though I allow anonymous responses. I can't do more than be open and willing - what others do with that is their choice.

[vvalkyri.livejournal.com]

I've made a post, finally

[gothtique.livejournal.com]

Apologizing IS hard!
Just seeing you post this, that you took the time to type out the words, shows that you are so much more thoughtful than most.
Whether you are sincere or not (... and I suspect you are!) the effort you have put into saying the words, typing the words, contemplating your actions, thinking about what you can do better in the future: It counts!

L'shana Tova!

[drwex]

Thank you, I appreciate you saying that. Shana tova to you as well.

On a wholly random note - what's the story of this userpic?

[gothtique.livejournal.com]

Me & mpero some where in the woods of the Smokey Mountains outside of Gatlinburg, TN. We had rented a cabin there for a few days, in the off season.
She is the one with the dark glasses, I in the floppy black hat.
She took the picture with a delay/timer on her camera. It 2-3 years old now, but one of my favorites.
Part of the reason I love it is because we were goofing around with the pics. She had the camera set up on a rock, would hit the delay and dash over the rocks, leaves and bracken, a little stream, to where I was sitting. When she hit the button for THIS picture she scrambled down off the rocks, tripped on a stick, came very near to going for a swim in the stream, barely managed to right herself and slide in next to me in the nick of time! We were both laughing our asses off when the camera clicked.

[drwex]

That's delightful. Thank you for sharing.

[felisdemens.livejournal.com]

Well said. I wish more people were aware of how to apologize.

[cathijosephine.livejournal.com]

I very much agree with this whole post. I generally try to not explicitly forgive a person unless he or she tells me what is his/her plan to change or prevent the behavior in the future.

Also, when people tell me they're sorry, I often ask them why. It is important to me that I am forgiving them for the same thing that they feel prompted their apology.

I feel most apologies I've heard in my life were actually excuses, rather than apologies.

And this is why it's hard to be my friend, and probably not worth it anyway. Sigh.

[drwex]

And your response reminds me of something else I meant to add here but failed. I'll put it in another post.

[cathijosephine.livejournal.com]

Also, while you have done me no harm that I know of, I did very much take offense at something you wrote, and I believe it was within the last year. I would be happy to address it here or in private email, if you like.