drwex | Journaling project, Day 14

Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you made, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.

What specifically do you need to forgive yourself for? What have your error(s) in judgment taught you?

I think I'm about ready to give up on these prompts because, yeah, no. "Forgive yourself" for hurting others? Who the actual hell thinks that's a good idea? If you've read my journal for any time you'll know that one of the Jewish tenets I hold to is that I am obligated to seek forgiveness from people I've hurt. G-d doesn't absolve me of those things(*) nor am I permitted just to forgive myself.

I am also reminded of those men who, having been found out for their crimes against (mostly) women (we are not excepting Kevin Spacey nor religious figures) go away for a time and then make some kind of contrite public statement about how they've "changed" and "are better now". Maybe they "got treatment" for their "problem". These statements almost always erase the specific victims harmed, and almost always herald a return to popularity or power, or at least attempts to do so. This sort of faux self-forgiveness makes my jaw ache from clenching.

So much for that. Let's turn to the idea of what I might actually need to, and be able to, forgive myself for. The prompt talks about "errors in judgment" and is similar to what I talked about last time. Most of my errors are those made from lack of information or time. But there's another class that's in a more gray zone - areas where I've hurt others through carelessness, inattention, lack of consideration. I can be awfully tunnel-visioned at times and when I do I lose sight of the effects of my words and actions on other people.

These are the hurts I feel worst about. Stupidity, carelessness, inattention produce harms every bit as real as malice or deliberate misbehavior. If I've stepped on your foot, your foot hurts. You may regard me differently if you think I just had my nose in a book versus actively trying to stomp on you, but the hurt is equally real in both cases. How do I "forgive myself" for inattention, carelessness, or tunnel vision?

I (still) think I don't. I try to change those bad behaviors, of course, but I still need to seek the forgiveness of the other person, and still have to try to make amends where realistic.

What have my errors in judgment taught me? Let's see:
- try not to think with the small head
- know when to fold (sunk costs fallacy, ugh)
- I am way more biased than I think I am
- I do not have the body or reflexes of a 30-something
- age and experience do beat youth and enthusiasm
- celebrate people being one of the ten thousand
- you are likely not the first person to have this problem; and likely someone wrote up their solution on the Web somewhere

What about you folk? Any special lessons learned from your errors in judgment that you feel like sharing?

(*) OK there's a special case in which a person has made a sincere effort to apologize and make amends as fully as possible for the hurt and the other person doesn't wish to or isn't able to forgive. In that case, both parties need to take it up with G-d. But it all starts with a full, sincere, and meaningful attempt not just to state an apology but to understand, listen, and remedy to whatever extent is possible.