Journaling project, Day 24

[drwex]

You will never find your worth in another human being—you find it in yourself, and then you will attract those who are worthy of your energy. Realize this. Accept and acknowledge your own worth. Stop waiting for others to tell you how important you are. Tell yourself. And believe it.

What’s one little thing that makes you worthy in your own eyes right now?

Well, yeah. I'm 90% onboard with this, except for the "attract" part. There are lots of good, wonderful, "worthy" (whatever that means in an interpersonal relationship sense) people out there who can't find a partner or are treated badly by their partners. Being partnered the way one wants, with the people one wants, is a whole lot more complicated than just finding your self-worth. Necessary, but not sufficient.

That out of the way, I've always known that my self-worth came from within. I'm as susceptible to flattery and as interested in validation from others as the next person. But having been raised in an environment where I didn't get positive reinforcement from those closest to me I always knew I'd have to pull myself up. I'm fond of the alphorism "No matter who you go to bed with, you have to wake up with yourself."

I've also realized I'm never going to be "important". That was a hard one, particularly after being around the Lab people. Periodically I get mail from LinkedIn or alumni news with various of my past associates being in the news for doing this or that important thing. I'm not on those things, and likely never will be. I'm mostly OK with that - comparing myself to them is just bad for my mental health. Reunion events are sometimes hard, but mostly I live my life and enjoy myself day to day.

Things that make me "worthy"? Hard to say. I value my honesty, my authenticity. Internal things.

Comments

[elusiveat]

But having been raised in an environment where I didn't get positive reinforcement from those closest to me I always knew I'd have to pull myself up.

I find this statement intriguing. It almost sounds like a case for raising children without external positive reenforcement. I think this is worth poking at a little more, although I'm not sure exactly the best way to go about that.

[drwex]

The way I was raised was broken and abusive. I don't recommend it as a way to raise anyone. I know that's not what you meant - I'm just saying that I feel that the fact I've made something worthwhile out of myself is despite my upbringing, not because of it.

[elusiveat]

Thanks for the clarification.

[elusiveat]

I just spent a little bit of time reflecting on the general theme of "what was I even expecting to get out of my question in the first place?" and I think my question was out of line even though the curiosity was genuine. Like, I should have read what was pretty clearly written between the lines and left well enough alone. Sorry for that.

I think what you wrote stirred up some confusions I've had and hurts I've felt when people who haven't had the advantages I've had in life demand to know why I'm so sensitive or why I act like things that seem minor to them are a big deal, or why I can't show more resilience (or perhaps why do I "pretend" to be less resilient than I am). On some level it's kind of hit me as "if people who have had such a rough time in life are able to just let things roll off their backs, then what the hell is wrong with me that I can't?"

So the thought of "wait, what if it's *because* I received a lot of praise as a child?" suddenly hit me and threw me off balance. And I realize that's not actually what you said.

[drwex]

I don't think your question was out of line. As I just wrote about in today's entry, I'm genuinely grateful for others who share brain-power with me. There's no requirement for that beyond a willingness to be genuine. So thank you and I'm sorry if my response was snappish. Work has peeved me a fair bit today.

should have read what was pretty clearly written between the lines

This is a skill I lack myself and I'm hardly one to critique people for not doing something I can't manage myself. So please think no more on it.

On some level it's kind of hit me as "if people who have had such a rough time in life are able to just let things roll off their backs, then what the hell is wrong with me that I can't?"

That sucks and it sounds like some of your interactions have been with people who haven't learned that misery contests have no winners, only losers. I try hard (nowadays) to recognize those kinds of contests and refuse to participate. Some of that is shaped by being with a partner for five years after her husband died and during those years she dealt with a lot of people who felt that her process of grief should follow a specific pattern. She should be "better" and doing certain things on some schedule they had followed or maybe had read about.

We are all individuals in here and as such we have our own shapes, including corners, crevices and weird contours. What rolls off one won't necessarily roll off others.

So the thought of "wait, what if it's *because* I received a lot of praise as a child?" suddenly hit me and threw me off balance. And I realize that's not actually what you said.

There's been some recent research in parenting that I frankly wish I'd had knowledge of when raising our kids, about what sort of praise is productive and what is not. Telling kids they're smart (as I was told and made the mistake of telling my kids) is not productive. There's a whole art to this that I ... well, chalk up another learning lesson.

[elusiveat]

Thanks. For what it's worth, your reply did not come across as snappish to me.

There's been some recent research in parenting that I frankly wish I'd had knowledge of when raising our kids, about what sort of praise is productive and what is not. Telling kids they're smart (as I was told and made the mistake of telling my kids) is not productive.

I think I've heard about some of this, but probably not all. We're trying to focus on encouraging ours to be persistent and also to think about how her actions affect other people's feelings, and to use praise to reinforce specific desirable behaviors. But who knows how much we're really getting right.

There's a whole art to this that I ... well, chalk up another learning lesson.

We're in the thick of this right now, so your future input might be valuable.

[elusiveat]

Also, you need to fix one of your html tags on this post.

[drwex]

HTML fixed, dunno how I missed that.

Important

[gothtique]

You are very likely "important" to the people around you every day. In simple, but measurable ways!

In my case, there are likely 1000's of people out there who are "better" at what I do. More recognized, certainly more famous for it. But when a former student walks up to me at a show and tells me that the class they took from me, years ago, changed their work, their lives... that is more "important" to me than any photo on the cover of a magazine.

Re: Important

[drwex]

That's cool. It reflects on something I was trying to write about for this prompt but didn't - the difference between the worth of a person and the worth of what they do (or did). It's super complicated, and touchy - reducing a person to "what have you done for me lately" feels very devaluing. On the flip side, knowing that things I've done made a difference in peoples' lives does feel good and like the effort was worthwhile.

[mizarchivist]

Perspective is hard to come by in seeing one's positive qualities as the amazing things that they are. You do them. You don't necessarily spend a lot of time picking apart how maybe it's not such an easy thing for others to do or that you've spent decades perfecting it.

Sometimes you do. I am really proud of my artistic accomplishments. I am an awesome and talented artist with a particular gift for color and shape. I have also spent my whole life working on it all the time. Not every day, but all the time. It helps others think I'm good at it, too. They remind you that XYZ thing is a gift / talent that should be celebrated. It's a matter of believing it in yourself.

I'm here to remind you of your love, compassion, and capacity to see the patterns in things. You deeply and entirely care about your nearest and dearest. I'm here to tell you that it is felt and appreciated.

[drwex]

<3