Journaling project (resumes), Day 30

[drwex]

Just breathe, be, and pay attention to what it’s like to be YOU. Nothing to fix. Nothing to change. Nowhere else to go. Just you, breathing, being, with presence, without judgment. You are welcome here. You belong here. Here, you are enough. Close your eyes. Breathe…

What’s something true about you that you need to embrace more openly and lovingly?

I've been back for a few days but as with any trip away things pile up and Stuff Happened at work that I want to write about plus tell you about the trip. Not tonight, though, I want to get back in the habit of writing through these prompts, so buckle up campers.

Being present is such a hard practice. You'd think it would be natural and I seem to remember a time in my life when it felt that way, but looking backward maybe a lot of that was because I was an insensitive lout walking around in a giant privilege bubble he had no clue about. My life wasn't a bed of roses but I rarely had the feeling I've since come to call "being uncomfortable in my own skin." Some of it is social anxiety or impostor syndrome - the sense that I don't belong where I am, don't deserve what I'm getting, and am just waiting to be found out.

Anyone else have dreams where you're on a school bus going to your old grade school and you look down and realize you "forgot" to put on pants when you left the house that morning? No? Just me? OK then. I never said my anxiety dreams were smart, or particularly inventive. I have them these days mostly about travel. Nobody ever told me that anxiety would be boring, but it is. Part of why I want to get into the mindful state of being present and feeling comfortable in my own skin and like I belong where I am is because the alternative is just so boring, and so tiring.

I remember the first time I ever did this kind of exercise - at a summer camp, our tennis instructor got frustrated with how we were behaving and trying to manage a bunch of fidgety teens with the rain coming and going while we were supposed to be learning how to serve like real tennis players. In the open wood pavillion, with the rain pounding on the roof and all around us, we lay down and breathed. We learned what it felt like to have the hard plywood floor pressing against our backs, shoulders, calves. We learned how to hear the noises we and the others were making and how that sounded against the rain background. How to breathe cyclically (in through nose, out through mouth) and how to experience each breath as a new thing.

Obviously it's a moment that stuck with me and a state of mind I strive for. I'm a very judgmental person, and it's not at all natural for me to suspend that judgment of others or myself.

As to the question... I'm really not sure how to answer it. The things about me that I have the hardest time embracing are the things I see as misbehaviors, as impediments that I should try not to put in my own way. Things like my impatience, my temper, my failure to listen appropriately. Body-wise I know I should lose weight. I don't like how I look most of the time and it would be healthier for me if I did lose weight. I know there are people who embrace their fat and more power to them. It's just not on for me, sorry.

How about you, external observers? Do you think there's something about me that I don't embrace and should?

Comments

[flexagon]

No idea, but a) your tennis instructor was awesome, and b) if you want to experience a new level of self-acceptance for the sake of knowing it's physically/mentally/chemically possible, I'd recommend a single go-round with MDMA. Extremely interesting stuff.

[drwex]

I don't do drugs. I don't talk about doing (currently illegal) drugs on open media that might be indexed by a search engine.

That said, I have... some experience in this area I'd be happy to discuss with you in private spaces.

And lest there be any doubt, I continue to appreciate your participating in this prompt writing/discussion process.