drwex | Journaling project, Day 34

Don’t fall back into your old patterns of living just because they’re more comfortable and easier to access. Remember, you left certain habits and situations behind for a reason: to improve your life. And right now, you can’t move forward if you keep going back.

What’s one old pattern of behavior that sometimes still sneaks up on you? What’s a better alternative today, and why?

My very first therapist was good at several things; one of them was convincing me that one didn't need to be a Freudian to believe that when people are hurried, or threatened, or not thinking about it, they'll revert to the best-known, easiest behavior. That's true even when we know that behavior is bad, and would swear we won't do it. Like, we only have one real model for parenting - the one we were raised in. Given that many of us had utterly suckful childhoods it's astounding how often we recapitulate those parenting behaviors because we're human.

I forget who said (paraphrasing) "The past is not destiny, but it is a weight we carry into the future." I think that's true - childhood is called "formative years" for a reason and even though I've lived several lives (or stages of life) since then, I recognize that many of my ideas and patterns are informed by those formative years.

The late Marvin Minsky often talked about how he tried to make this work to his advantage. Whenever he found himself confronted with a situation or problem he didn't know what to do about, or was frustrated by, he'd call on mental models he had of other people he knew from his past. "How would So-and-so handle this?" He carefully constructed his mental models not only to be of people he admired, but of people whom he thought were good at particular things. One model was of a person who was good at math problems but not someone likeable you'd invite over for casual tea. Still a useful model to have, as long as you're dealing in maths.

One of my worst old problematic habits is ignoring things "until I'm ready to deal with them." Of course, that day rarely comes, or there's always something more urgent or important to do. Dishes need doing, dog needs walking, jobs need finding. It's easy to lose myself in the rhythm of the minutiae because each of them has a short-term tangible reward. I feel good doing these necessary important things and while that's true it easily lulls me into forgetting that I'm also ignoring other things that ought to be done.