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drwexBackground: I've never been a great parent. I totally could not have done this without Pygment both shouldering the vast majority of the load (both our kids were very mommy-focused) and helping me evolve my meager skills.
There have always been some things I could do. Changing diapers, no problem. Pygment always handed me the kids to burp after feeding because I could do that (burping is a guy thing? I dunno). Sometimes I could get the kids to sleep when she couldn't, and we tag-teamed when we could to reduce one-parent overload. But the deeply connected emotional stuff of parenting has always eluded me. You could say I never had a model for how to do this, being raised by an abusive mother and an emotionally closed-off and distant father, but that's sort of excuse-making. Coulda woulda shoulda; if only I could go back and advise Past Me.
Parenting Thing 2 has always been more of a challenge than parenting Thing 1, partly because they're a more challenging child in general. And partly because they are so very me. Like, really scarily me, and scarily my mother, too. Sometimes that's awesome, as we share tastes in music, games, geek fandoms, and activities. Sometimes that's less awesome as I fear I did the thing I never wanted to do - pass on whatever genetic brokenness my mother had. Pygment tries to claim her share of this, and she can talk about her whys if she wants, but I don't believe it. This one lands squarely on me.
Carl Sagan's dictum “If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe" applies here. I could spend a long time talking about how Thing 2 and I got from where we started to where we are, but I don't have time. Instead, I'll just say that today was quite a surprise.
Yesterday was a tough day with Thing 2. They've had all the freedom while the parents were away; we show up and it's all about the rules and they were not happy. Details not important. This morning Thing 2 asks me for something I am normally not inclined to give. So I step back and explain to them why I am unhappy. And I feel like they heard me. They did not try to argue or gaslight. They gave their point of view and I tried to hear it and respond in kind. It was, in the end, a good discussion to have.
Afterward I said: "I'm glad we were able to have this conversation. I'm sorry I didn't know how to have them with you when you were younger."
And in response, Thing 2 told me that it was OK, and that they use my conversations and my style when dealing with a challenging child they babysit. This child (he/him pronouns) has some of the same non-neurotypical things that Thing 2 has. He tends to act out first, before thinking, and sometimes his acting out involves hitting, including hitting his sister. Thing 2 told me that when this happens, they talk to him the way I talk to them, and it mostly works.
I... dear readers, I nearly cried on the spot. Parenting is so much the hardest thing I've ever done and to have that kind of validation that I did at least some things right is priceless.
There have always been some things I could do. Changing diapers, no problem. Pygment always handed me the kids to burp after feeding because I could do that (burping is a guy thing? I dunno). Sometimes I could get the kids to sleep when she couldn't, and we tag-teamed when we could to reduce one-parent overload. But the deeply connected emotional stuff of parenting has always eluded me. You could say I never had a model for how to do this, being raised by an abusive mother and an emotionally closed-off and distant father, but that's sort of excuse-making. Coulda woulda shoulda; if only I could go back and advise Past Me.
Parenting Thing 2 has always been more of a challenge than parenting Thing 1, partly because they're a more challenging child in general. And partly because they are so very me. Like, really scarily me, and scarily my mother, too. Sometimes that's awesome, as we share tastes in music, games, geek fandoms, and activities. Sometimes that's less awesome as I fear I did the thing I never wanted to do - pass on whatever genetic brokenness my mother had. Pygment tries to claim her share of this, and she can talk about her whys if she wants, but I don't believe it. This one lands squarely on me.
Carl Sagan's dictum “If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe" applies here. I could spend a long time talking about how Thing 2 and I got from where we started to where we are, but I don't have time. Instead, I'll just say that today was quite a surprise.
Yesterday was a tough day with Thing 2. They've had all the freedom while the parents were away; we show up and it's all about the rules and they were not happy. Details not important. This morning Thing 2 asks me for something I am normally not inclined to give. So I step back and explain to them why I am unhappy. And I feel like they heard me. They did not try to argue or gaslight. They gave their point of view and I tried to hear it and respond in kind. It was, in the end, a good discussion to have.
Afterward I said: "I'm glad we were able to have this conversation. I'm sorry I didn't know how to have them with you when you were younger."
And in response, Thing 2 told me that it was OK, and that they use my conversations and my style when dealing with a challenging child they babysit. This child (he/him pronouns) has some of the same non-neurotypical things that Thing 2 has. He tends to act out first, before thinking, and sometimes his acting out involves hitting, including hitting his sister. Thing 2 told me that when this happens, they talk to him the way I talk to them, and it mostly works.
I... dear readers, I nearly cried on the spot. Parenting is so much the hardest thing I've ever done and to have that kind of validation that I did at least some things right is priceless.
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Date: 2019-07-03 06:01 pm (UTC)I mean, yes, I'm not a parent, so I wouldn't actually know, but still - that sound amazing.
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Date: 2019-07-11 07:02 am (UTC)One thing in particular stands out:
It takes a very special kind of bravery to feel this way and yet make the decision you and your lovely wife did to in fact have not just one but two children.
This is something my wife and I discussed at some length very early on, and played a big part in galvanizing her on the side of not wanting children - full stop.
I think it takes a certain amount of bravery to make *that* decision as well, because there are all kinds of pressures both macro and micro that come to bear when you say "No we're NOT having kids.".
Our rescue dog is the closest we'll come to having children (No comparison - I know! Although there are in fact similarities :) ) but I am delighted to have so many smart, self aware, brave friends who were willing to take that risk and make the investment in raising our future society.
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Date: 2019-07-11 10:58 pm (UTC)