I exist, and I have questions

[drwex]

I have been putting more of my thoughts and questions onto Twitter. For all that it's a nazi-hosting shit show, it's also a place where I feel a community of thought and belief. People chuckle when I say "favorite Twitter rabbi" but that's actually a thing I have, now. She's awesome, and through her I've found other really interesting spiritual leaders.

Question 1: where is your community?

I have been having a hard time for the past couple months with the "how are you"/"how are things" question-conversation opener. It's really about how average is a bad measure you see, because there are a bunch of things that are good and I like and am happy about, and another bunch of things that are bad and stressful and I'm upset about. If I average those out, I get "OK" and sometimes I say that but it's probably the least accurate, least descriptive word I could use for this state.

Question 2: does this happen to you? What do you say when it does?

I had this... thing happen to me again recently where the proverbial light bulb went on inside my head and I thought, "Oh! So _that's_ a thing, and probably true." When you're on this side of that moment the thing in retrospect is blindingly obvious and like why couldn't you see that 1+1=2 before? It's not like I acquired new knowledge or a higher level of understanding. It's more like "these two jigsaw pieces always fit together in this way but I just never put them next to each other before."

This happens to me from time to time and while I'm glad for the universe delivering clarity to me it's also frustrating because I often don't know what to do with it and I really don't believe, much, in blinding flashes of insight. I'm more the "slow methodical building up to an answer" kind of person. Or, I think I am. Maybe I'm not.

Question 3: Does this happen to you, too? If it does, how does it fit with your world/self-view?

Comments

[totient]

1: Too much of it is on Facebook, in that "I wish I could quit you" kind of way. Enough of it is here to matter and I'm leaining in to that. Quite a lot of it is in person, in the greater Boston area, which is how come I don't live someplace with less structural racism (ie, almost anywhere else in the US).

2: It does, and a lot of the time I sort of stand there awkwardly and don't say anything.

3: This is how I consider your "slow methodical building up to an answer" to work every time. That retrospective clarity is there because I built up to it. Both the slow build and the illusion of the flash of insight fit perfectly in my view of how I learn.

[drwex]

Very sympathetic to the FB thing. I was just made aware of a private support group for parents of trans kids but it's on FB so nope.

On the third one... for me it's different because part of the methodical building is that I can see myself getting closer to (or farther from) an answer. The sudden "Oh!" is like I jumped from A to Q and if there were steps in between - which I assume there had to be - they aren't consciously accessible.

[dcltdw]

1. No idea. I don't say this to be flip - I consider it a big problem for me. The intersection of geekery, being physically active, progressive, and late 40s is not something I've found. Then again, that's awfully specific, so I'm also not too surprised.

2. I'm increasingly becoming okay with short, complicated answers. "I'm both really good, and really lonely" is fortunately where I've arrived from "I'm both really good, and really bad, thanks for asking."

3. Maybe? I suspect I am not understanding your question. "Oh, I just figured out something!" is something that makes me clap my hands in glee, not mutter at the Cosmos having a terrible sense of humor or something.

[flexagon]

The intersection of geekery, being physically active, progressive, and late 40s is not something I've found. Then again, that's awfully specific

I'm only early-40s myself, but there is a shocking amount of exactly this overlap at circus school. I think rock climbing is similar. What physical activities do you pursue? Do they skew particularly toward participation by younger folk or non-geeks or what?

[dcltdw]

Oh circus, of course! *steeples fingers*

I'm a runner, and I volunteer with the 501st & Rebel Legion (dress up in costume, go to libraries and hospitals) and I also run Boston Lightsaber Stage Combat Club (boring but very self-descriptive name).

I larp, and boffer larps tend to be 20s/30s. The Legions are slightly more intergenerational, but a lot of people in my age cohort have given up on physically active, which I find frustrating.

Thank you for the suggestion about circus and rock climbing! Hmmmmm.... :)

[dianec42]

1. Far too much of my community is at work these days. It's good to have, but I'm conscious of how fragile it is, and some of it is superficial to the point of possibly being illusory.

1b. Also far too much is on Facebook. Speaking of superficial-to-illusory. :P

2. This happens to me all the time. My goto answer is "Hanging in there." It seems to be socially acceptable, and for those close to me it's an invitation to ask questions / commiserate / nod knowingly and move on.

3. This happens to me sometimes, and I find it pretty easy to reconcile with the fact that I'm clinically oblivious. Which is to say, it's occasionally annoying, occasionally hilarious, and in either case doesn't bother me much.

[drwex]

I've seen that "my community is my workplace" thing in a number of CA companies. I'm not sure what it is about the culture. I know there are a lot of people - particularly the younger single ones - here who have a significant social life with work. My question is, do they think like you/share your beliefs and values? Or is it just people to hang out with?

I like "hanging in there". I'll probably try using it. I can see how intonation can matter a lot in how you say it.

Thanks

[dianec42]

do they think like you/share your beliefs and values? Or is it just people to hang out with?

It's a bit of both. Many of them do seem to share my beliefs and values, at least superficially. I'm not currently inclined to push it.

I scratch a lot of my community itch online: Facebook and Dreamwidth for people I know, Reddit for people who have common experiences or interests.

I tried to get back into SF conventions when we moved to California, but it's a lot of effort to break into a whole new social circle AGAIN, so I have let that community go for the most part.

[elusiveat]

Question 1: where is your community?

I don't think my community has a specific location, other than something like "the Boston Area." My community differs in composition by context and occurs where it happens. My community is at the Buttery New Years party, and on Dreamwidth, and at Baitcon. My community is also who ever shows up for the social events that I hold. And I have another community that is the people on my street, connections strengthened by our neighborhood email list. And I have a loose network of connections from my work at Tufts, mostly centered around the Friedman Nutrition School.

Question 2: does this happen to you? What do you say when it does?

Depending on context, I think I've been known to say "ups and downs" or "life is very full." But lately "ok" is actually probably the most accurate response most of the time. It is not uncommon for me to be asked on Tuesday how my weekend was and to say "I don't remember." I increasingly have a separate brain for weekends from during the week.

Question 3: Does this happen to you, too? If it does, how does it fit with your world/self-view?

I have insights from time to time. It seems like a normal way for thought to occur: most of the productive stuff being unconscious. When I've been beating my head against a problem, I generally accept that the wisest thing to do is to get up and go for a walk and think about something else. Whether I actually do so is a different question...

[drwex]

Interesting to find people with neighborhood-based community these days. I get the sense it's quite rare in 21st century USA.

"ups and downs" works. Thanks.

I think what's going on in these cases is that I'm not thinking about the problem at all. Like, ever. At least, not consciously. I don't feel like I'm suddenly getting an insight I didn't have before; it's like I suddenly realize "some apples are green on purpose".

[elusiveat]

Interesting to find people with neighborhood-based community these days. I get the sense it's quite rare in 21st century USA.

Yes, we are very fortunate. I think that part of it is just that Somerville is the kind of place that would have neighborhood mailing lists, but another piece is that Squirrelitude has a history of working from home on the front porch and saying hello to people who pass by. I'm a big advocate of knowing the neighbors, but he's the one who's driven most of these connections.

"ups and downs" works. Thanks.

You're welcome.

I think what's going on in these cases is that I'm not thinking about the problem at all. Like, ever. At least, not consciously. I don't feel like I'm suddenly getting an insight I didn't have before; it's like I suddenly realize "some apples are green on purpose".

I'm not sure I understand the distinction between getting a sudden insight and suddenly realizing "some apples are green on purpose," unless the ridiculousness of the statement is meant to imply that it is false? Anyway, I'm a little confused, and would not mind clarification.

[drwex]

Ah! "working from home on the front porch" isn't a common pattern these days. And yeah, you're right, it really requires a particular kind of neighborhood context. The last time I saw such a thing was many decades ago when I lived in West Philly.

I'm not sure I understand the distinction between getting a sudden insight and suddenly realizing "some apples are green on purpose," unless the ridiculousness of the statement is meant to imply that it is false?

OK, not the greatest analogy. My jigsaw puzzle one is the best I have so far but it's likely not to make sense if you don't do jigsaw puzzles. Let me try this:

There's a sense in which I will realize certain things are true and having realized that, I will also realize that those things have always been true but I never thought of them as true before, nor would I have listed them among the large set of "true things I know." Yet in some sense I've known these things for a while.

Real examples: at one point I realized that Person (now deceased) must have known True Thing. It was not a thing I'd ever discussed with them, but on consideration given who they talked to and what they observed, they must have known this thing. I didn't ever - at least consciously - ask myself the question "Did Person know Thing?". I'd never even thought to ask the question before.

Another: I recently had the thought that $PRESENT_BEHAVIOR is very likely a reaction to $PAST_SITUATION. Now, in general I know that our pasts shape our present. And I do believe that my past experiences guide and shape my behaviors. But I had never before realized that something pretty specific in my past was even relevant to this current situation - as opposed to the generalized notion that _something_ in the past is relevant, it was "oh, this very specific thing is relevant".

Does that clarify?

[reedrover]

I have three communities, all of which are in real life, and one very loose community that is a closed group on FaceBook. The real life communities are based on shared interests for all three, and shared values for two of them. I know that I disagree strongly with some members of the goat group (thanks to FaceBook) and my presidency just ended so I can go back to being more picky about the people inside of that group with whom I spend my time. The closed FB group is based around my high school, which is self-selecting to start and then the group is even more so as we self-segregate into areas of interest as well as participate in the daily conversations. I am a member in the specific sub-groups for bibliophiles, cartiophiles, snakes/creepy-crawlies, elder care challenges, home improvement, buy/sell/trade, and travel.

I try to give the highlight/lowlight in my answer and they can decide how to proceed if it's going to be a real conversation. Examples: "Decent. Had a great holiday with the family but my cat died suddenly." "Eh, fair to middling. I'm getting over a cold that I caught on a fantastic trip to Orlando last week."

I often trip over answers that should have been obvious. I try to be grateful that I've learned and no resentful that I am so bad at noticing the signs that pointed at the answer in the first place.

[drwex]

Yeah that third one sounds a lot like my experiences.

[tshuma]

1. My community is....poorly defined, but there is definitely very much a "this group is composed of the people I will see (separately or together) in one context or another multiple times each month" that is relatively local. We have engineered renting a house just barely down the street from two sets of friends who live in adjacent houses. Another household can be walked to in 10 minutes or driven to in 2. Two more households are a 10 minute drive away. The furthest is perhaps a 20 minute drive away. In the SF Bay area, such proximity is pure gold. But my community is not limited to this geographical availability. Much of it is on slack, as I manage to keep in daily contact with friends scattered all over the country, and this is how I keep in touch with those I consider my heart's home even if they are far, far away.

2. It depends on who is asking. With close friends, I know I can answer honestly if succinctly with a little of the good and a little of the bad. With less close, I might ask whether they want a complicated answer or something simple. With acquaintances or colleagues, I keep it to the lightweight "well, gosh it's a Monday, what do you think" or "I'm hanging in there, how about you?" or something like that. I'm bad at small talk so I do my best to do as little as possible without being too rude.

3. Not really? I think any time something approaching that has happened I've been able to retroactively point to something in the past that may have given me a foundational thought or principle.

[jducoeur]

Focusing mainly on Question 1, which is the one I really think about:

I think of my communities more in terms of real-life than online. And it's definitely communities, plural: I identify in terms of the collectives that I participate in, which roughly in order of current importance are SCA, Work, Fandom, Scala, LARP. (This list shifts over time, although generally at the granularity of decades. Freemasonry used to be high on this list, but I've largely dropped out, due to Reasons.)

In practice, my most capital-C Community is my extended SCA family, which has emerged over the past ten years. That's strictly local, and has become a crucial lifeline.

The fact that Work is that high on the list is slightly shocking, the first time in my life it's been true, and it says good things about the company that I actually care about the people there a lot. While Rally is getting successful enough that I'm sure it will someday turn horrible, for now it's a remarkably upbeat, idealistic, progressive place to be. As I said in my interview, "It's amazing that you've gotten to over a thousand employees and it still doesn't suck" -- the company cares passionately about culture, in a way that I often see claimed but rarely instituted.

I suspect that my diversity of communities is both a positive and a negative. It leads to me having *many* friends and connections, but they tend to be more tenuous than is entirely healthy. I don't have enough *close* friends -- something I'm starting to try to rectify, but that isn't easy.

My online communities are organized around those real-life ones, and I care less about the medium than the content. I'd probably say that my most important medium at this point is actually Slack -- even not counting work (where I am on Slack *constantly*), I'm deeply involved in 5 Slack groups, and keep an eye on several more. (Plus four Discord groups that I actually pay attention to.)

After that, I *care* most about DW, and am slowly getting back into practice posting more here, but there still isn't as much critical mass here as I would like.

The sad reality is that I interact more on FB, albeit in a constrained way: I only really pay attention to certain Groups that I have set up for email notifications, and only occasionally skim my feed otherwise. And I'm mildly active on Medium and Twitter, but mainly for professional purposes -- Medium in particular I use as a professional publication mechanism, so it isn't really a community, and I use Twitter almost exclusively to link to stuff posted elsewhere.