Weekend, with self-analysis

[drwex]

It was a weekend, sort of. I'm losing more and more of me and my time to the depression. I've been trying a variety of things to combat it (get out, get more exercise, play with the kids, eat better) and none of them are having significant effect in the short term. I'm not giving up, but I'm also getting a little frustrated.

Wifey is being extremely good and supportive all around. I'm certain we'd nauseate anyone else with our cutesy little routines. Sometimes we just look at each other and say "Yay!" or "I win!" The joys of being married are big with us these days.

Friday we goofed off and made lists of things to do. I was feeling kind of down that nobody was going to come to the party Saturday. In the end a few folk did come. It was small but very nice - enough folk to sustain without it being overpowering. I think we ended up with more scotch than we started with. Again. What can I say - our friends rock like rocking things. *cheer*

Pygment got the tub up and running. I tackled the leaf monster on the porch and then, since the family was out, I decided to take advantage of the weather and sat out in the dappled light reading a book. I've been reading my first big fiction book (over 500 pages) in a while - Walter Jon Williams' City on Fire - and I stayed up late last night to finish it.

I realized that part of why I've stopped reading big fiction books is that when the kids are around I don't get any ability to focus on what I'm reading. A book takes me a while to fit back into and when you're being interrupted ever 20-30 seconds that's just not possible. I can glance back and forth from the computer screen much more easily. A couple weeks ago ariesd likened my computer gaming to fidgeting. It's true - some people chew gum, some smoke cigarettes, some compulsively reload their LJ friends page. Me? I play computer games.

Sunday I was feeling craptacular, mostly from having to spend three or four hours refereeing the kids while Pygment tried to make up for missed sleep. D&D didn't happen due to missing quorum of players and I punted on the one other major social activity I should've done. Feh on me for a lamer.

I'm at work today - we work Wall Street holidays, which means we don't get Invader's Day off, but we do get Dead Guy On A Stick Day off.

Comments

[tigira.livejournal.com]

we work Wall Street holidays, which means we don't get Invader's Day off, but we do get Dead Guy On A Stick Day off.

*snerk* I actually hooted at that one. I think I will chuckle about it for the next couple of days.
Sorry about not having a day off - M doesn't either. Still, I do like your humor.

I wish I had the magical tool to make depression go away. :(

[sweetmmeblue.livejournal.com]

You were getting ahead of the depression when you had the therapist to see even though you didn't really click with her.

Glad what I'm doing feels supportive and detrimental. I've been trying.

_\/

[taura-g.livejournal.com]

You were getting ahead of the depression when you had the therapist to see even though you didn't really click with her.

I have to agree with this. I know its tough finding someone new, but perhaps its time to try again?

[drwex]

Yeah, it's time. In reference to "ahead" I'm not so sure. I've traded off a lot of stress and anxiety around Ima's death for straight-up gloom these days.

[moechus.livejournal.com]

Sorry about the depression. Hope it improves real soon (and I'm sure it will).

Am also sorry to have missed the party. It sure would have been better than being stuck in North Carolina with that branch of my family that fled Massachusetts because they had to get away from all the godless liberals.

[rintrahroars.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're having such trouble with depression lately. Could this be seasonal as well as sadness around losing someone important to you? I don't know what the weather is doing there, so I suppose I'm not much help.

It does sound like you need to make a little time for yourself, give yourself some room to grieve/dance/play/read -- whatever it is you do to get your head back in the game. I know how difficult that can be, AND how rehabilitative.

Many *hugs* for you.

[darkrosetiger.livejournal.com]

You probably know this already, but try not to beat yourself up for not "progressing" as fast as you feel you should.

*hugs* Depression sucks.

[goddessfarmer.livejournal.com]

I have found that once the effort has been expended to find the right therapist, that they can really help. Having been through several myself, and drugs too, I am very glad I put in the work. Depression and grieving are not things to be taken lightly or brushed off. I wish you luck and speediness in finding the right kind of help.

[kjc007.livejournal.com]

I hear you on struggling against the tide of depression.

And I'll chime in on the help that therapy provides, not only for being able to express frustration and receive guidance, but also the consistency of having a regular date that is solely for your own sake.

[chienne-folle.livejournal.com]

I had serious depression for two and a half years, and I know how deeply it sucks. I'm very sorry to hear that you have this to go through.

Because you aren't bleeding -- or doing anything else dramatic and visible -- it's easy to tell oneself that nothing's really wrong, and you *should* be doing X, Y, or Z. Depression is real, and the disabilities that come with it are real. Do as much as you can comfortably do, of course, but don't beat yourself up about the things you can't do.

There's a fairly new book out called Against Depression that I found very helpful. Part of the book is about how the art world glamorizes depression, and since I don't give a rat's ass about that, I skipped most of it. But a big chunk of the book is a summary of recent studies of depression, complete with fMRI data and autopsy data and other things that we scientifically-minded folks enjoy. :-) The short story is that depressed people have shrinkage in the hippocampus, and part of the way in which anti-depressants work is by promoting neurogenesis in the hippocampus. (It's a recently discovered myth that the brain never acquires any new cells after adulthood -- the hippocampus does generate new cells.)

I've found that Omega 3 fatty acids help -- oddly enough, my body seems to get more help from flaxseed oil than from fish oil, though YMMV.

I have a light box that's used to treat Seasonal Affective Disorder. People often think that it's the spectrum that's important in SAD, but actually, it's the intensity. The sort of light box that's made to treat SAD is just way, way brighter than even very bright normal lights. If you'd like to come look at mine and see what you think of it, you're welcome to do so. (I get back to the country on Thursday.) You don't need a prescription for a light box, and I can give you some information, if you're interested in acquiring one.

Therapy can be very helpful. Even if it doesn't help to cure one's depression, it can be a support while one is dealing with it.

The New Feeling Good Handbook, by David Burns, is often used with or instead of cognitive-behavioral therapy for depression or anxiety. If you're doing any of the distorted thinking stuff that many depressed people do (Michelle might have an opinion about this), it would be helpful.

*Hugs* if you want them, and let me know if I can provide any more information or assistance.

[moechus.livejournal.com]

"Dead Guy On A Stick Day"

I assume this refers to xmas but, strictly speaking, shouldn't refer to Good Friday?

[drwex]

It *does* refer to Good Friday. Which is the day Jesus got crucified (ie on a stick).

[moechus.livejournal.com]

I was misled by the context. I didn't realize that Good Friday was a "Wall Street" holiday, whereas xmas obviously is.