Cultures of Sadness (first in an intermittent series)

[drwex]

I'm posting this here in part to remind myself to write it more fully later. However, commentary is open and welcome.

Adults repress joy. Children have the freedom to express it, but we try to repress it, in part to protect ourselves from being hurt. We fear the consequences of expressing anger, or sexual feelings. We are afraid that if we let ourselves love freely we'll be opening ourselves up for tremendous hurt. Joy and expressions of love are therefore repressed.

LJ creates/enables/encourages (I'm not sure which, maybe all) a culture of sadness. Observation: when a friend posts about her illness or depression or unhappiness, she receives many encouraging comments. The readers chime in, and participate in the expression, validating the feelings of sadness or depression. Observation: when a friend posts about his happiness, his readers complain and even stop reading his journal. Observation: when a friend posts about her sexual feelings, she is expected to label it "TMI" and put it behind a cut, lest someone be offended.

The social norm is that feelings of sadness or depression are supported; feelings of joy, sexuality, happiness are ignored, trivialized, or even draw negative feedback. I do not think this is unique to LJ; I think there are many Cultures of Sadness in modern life. I just happen to be participating in this one with roughly 120 of my closest friends.

Comments

[awfief.livejournal.com]

Hrm. I find that people don't feel the need to 'encourage my succeses', but they do feel the need to cheer me up when I'm down. I think *any* 2-way medium (ie, LJ, conversation) enables adults to, as drwex says, repress joys. It's how we're built, for whatever reason.

I think you get more encouragement of successes when you're face to face, because people want to say something. In LJ-land, you don't *have* to say something, and it's not awkward. If you're at a party and someone says "I got a new job!" applause reigns. If you're at one and someone says, "I lost my job," sympathy reigns.

Do the same in an LJ post and you'll get a LOT more sympathy than you will praise for success.

I do see that talking about positive things can be seen as boasting. If you have a happy life, and talk about it, there are others (more insecure?) who will compare themselves to you and feel bad about themselves.

I'll note that people often digress into the "my life is worse than yours" argument (ie, "I lost my job", "oh, you're smart, you'll get another one, meanwhile I'm in this temp job and I can't pay rent and I'll never go anywhere") and rarely, if ever, argue about their OWN life being better.

[drwex]

I think *any* 2-way medium (ie, LJ, conversation) enables adults to, as drwex says, repress joys. It's how we're built, for whatever reason.

I respectfully disagree, on two counts. First, LJ isn't 2-way. It's close to 1-many, but has the potential for many:many, though there are some social etiquettes around having extended conversations in someone else's LJ. Second, I do not believe it's how we're built. I believe it's a learned and accultured behavior. In particular, it's an _adolescent_ behavior. I believe that if I could fully grow up I would be free and comfortable expressing my joys, too.