Cultures of Sadness (first in an intermittent series)

[drwex]

I'm posting this here in part to remind myself to write it more fully later. However, commentary is open and welcome.

Adults repress joy. Children have the freedom to express it, but we try to repress it, in part to protect ourselves from being hurt. We fear the consequences of expressing anger, or sexual feelings. We are afraid that if we let ourselves love freely we'll be opening ourselves up for tremendous hurt. Joy and expressions of love are therefore repressed.

LJ creates/enables/encourages (I'm not sure which, maybe all) a culture of sadness. Observation: when a friend posts about her illness or depression or unhappiness, she receives many encouraging comments. The readers chime in, and participate in the expression, validating the feelings of sadness or depression. Observation: when a friend posts about his happiness, his readers complain and even stop reading his journal. Observation: when a friend posts about her sexual feelings, she is expected to label it "TMI" and put it behind a cut, lest someone be offended.

The social norm is that feelings of sadness or depression are supported; feelings of joy, sexuality, happiness are ignored, trivialized, or even draw negative feedback. I do not think this is unique to LJ; I think there are many Cultures of Sadness in modern life. I just happen to be participating in this one with roughly 120 of my closest friends.

Comments

Re: Case in point

[hlmt.livejournal.com]

I don't think there's anything wrong with being happy, and perhaps that's not even what s/he was saying--just that s/he is not happy, so your & the original poster's happiness are so out of her normal realm of behaving that it's weird to him/her? I.e., not that -you're- weird, but that the very thought of being able to be so happy is weird... make sense?

Re: Case in point

[sweetmmeblue.livejournal.com]

Yes, I see your point but this is part of what drwex was trying to say, that people seem not to be ok about rejoycing with people who are happy. Or, that when you are happy you act weird, as if the very act of being happy took your actions out of the "norm" and into the "abnormal". people smile at children running around laughing for the sheer joy of just being able to run around laughing. If an adult did that people would wonder what kind of drugs they are on.

But the point was about how people react on LJ and in this case, while our friend was doing the equivalent of running around in circles being happy and I shared in her joy, we were called weird.

Re: Case in point

[caulay.livejournal.com]

And the person who did that says they were trying to make a joke and it fell flat, which happens.

Really, if I saw you and heinleinfan running around in circles being happy, I'd say you were weird too. But it would be with a big smile on my face and as I was joining you. Because, you know, you're weird. ::grin::

Re: Case in point

[drwex]

So, when was the last time you yourself openly expressed joy?

I'm aware that you're not, in general, happy about many things, but I also am under the impression that there are things in your life that please you and could be causes for expression of joy.

Re: Case in point

[caulay.livejournal.com]

The last time I openly expressed "joy" was the last time I felt it.

I'll admit it does not happen often but that can be blamed on the problems inside my head and has little (nothing?) to do with "social norms". I don't post about being happy any more than I post about being sad. In both cases, I don't think it's anything that would be of any importance to anyone one else.

Re: Case in point

[drwex]

It's true, your affect is flat pretty much across the board. That said, it is of interest to me how you feel. One data point. And on the third hand, why does it matter if it's important to anyone else? It is, after all, your LJ/your life. I also hypothesize that it is good for _me_ to express joy, anger, and other feelings. I therefore also hypothesize it would be good for you, no matter whether anyone cared or not.

Re: Case in point

[caulay.livejournal.com]

it is of interest to me how you feel.

That's nice. But not necessarily of sufficient weight for me to always tell you.

why does it matter if it's important to anyone else?

Because people have limited resources for dealing with "things". ("Things" being a generic term for everything that you encounter in the world.) It is (IMO) "impolite" for me to force others to spend those resources (even if all they are doing is choosing to ignore something) on matters that are not relevant to them.

I therefore also hypothesize it would be good for you, no matter whether anyone cared or not.

I disagree on the matter of expressing some emotions. Negative ones particularly. I have no problem with positive ones. I already know from past experience that expressing them is not good for me.

But that's not going to be in my LJ (except possibly in passing). That's not what it's for.

Other people can do what they want in their own LJs. After all, those are theirs and I'm not going to tell them how to use them.

If I'm happy and you're around me, you'll probably know it. If I'm sad or upset and you're around me, you may or may not know it because I do not feel it is appropriate to share those emotions.

Re: Case in point

[drwex]

Thanks for sharing and being honest. I'm not (yet) out to change anyone's mind. Heck, mine isn't even made up. But the chat is helping me sharpen a few things.