Well that was an emotional day (part 2)

[drwex]

And that was when Judah showed up. Below I'm going to talk about my own emotions, using the things I think I know are true. If I err factually, I apologize.

For anyone who lacks the background, shadesong has written up her viewpoint on the events of Saturday, along with some history and a lot of speculation.

Judah has admitted to assault and domestic violence. There is a restraining order in place. Other legal proceedings are ongoing. In this context Judah showed up at the Beginning of Summer party, which is nominally an open invite and at which Song would reasonably be expected to be present. My understanding is that he cleared this with the hosts beforehand; my understanding is that the hosts assumed Song would not be present, though they didn't speak to her directly.

I don't know whether he knew she wasn't there when he arrived; I did not speak to him. What I did was go "HOLY SHIT!" and ping Song immediately. Because if she showed up with him there, unknowing, there would be chaos and harm. I told her because I did not want her walking into an unsafe space unaware.

There resulted a shitstorm, for which I feel some responsibility. I have been told that Song threatened to show up with restraining order in hand, and cops in tow. Judah disappeared some short while later. Some of my own thoughts follow.

1. On space, open parties, and hosting. I long ago went from open to closed parties. I admire the BoS party hosts for their continued policy of openness but that brings with it challenges like this.

Ironically, I had a conversation earlier that evening with one of hosts about some kid behavior. I was personally fine with what the kids (including my own) were doing but the host was clearly not. I explained to the kids that this was the host's house, the host's party, and therefore we would follow the host's rules.

I believe that it's not the hosts' job to create some "safe space;" this is a party at a private residence, not a convention. I believe that it's good for the hosts to be clear on what they mean, and to take steps to have the party they want to have. If they chose to invite or allow Judah then that's their choice. I could wish that they had communicated that choice to Song beforehand but my own communication skills have stumbled so often that I cannot fault others who don't manage perfect communication.

Unfortunately there is no way not to take sides in a dispute like this. If Judah is welcome at these parties then I and everyone else need to evaluate whether we feel it's a good and safe choice to come. Conversely, were he made unwelcome then there would be people who felt they were also made unwelcome.

2. On victim-blaming. I find it ironic that people refer to the way Song conducts her relationships in justifying their responses to her actions. I have my own issues with her, and her style is not mine. But the question here is not about the victim's likeability. That way lies madness, dear friends. Either we take it as given that principles are independent of actors, or we do not. If we're only going to extend safety and caring to people who are likeable victims then I think I'll be getting off the bus here.

It seems from what I know that Song chose to escalate the situation, rather dramatically. That's not a choice I would have made, but I'm a cis- able-bodied white guy with more privilege than I can shake a stick at. I'm not qualified to judge the level of fear or panic or outrage that Song felt. I just accept that they are her reactions and try to deal as best I know how.

I did tell Pygment that if someone had assaulted her the way Judah assaulted Song, and then that person showed up at this party, I would likely have tried to commit serious violence against that person. The irony of the fact that people in our society understand and even accept male-vs-male physical violence and escalation but don't understand female-vs-male emotional outrage and threat escalation is not lost on me.


I will have more to say but I'm losing net access now and I want to put this much down while I have the thoughts in my head. Comments, as always, are on. Please be gentle.

Comments

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Calling them "logic contortions" may be further hyperbole but to my knowledge there is no evidence or accusation of his misbehavior since he assaulted you. It therefore seems not beyond reason for a person to assume that a lack of evidence is evidence of lack. I see no contortions here, merely a bias toward reading the situation in a way favorable to him where you seem to be making assumptions equally based on lack of knowledge that are unfavorable to him.
You wish your lack of ill behavior to be taken as evidence of your good intentions, but you do not wish others to take Judah's lack of ill behavior as evidence of his good intentions. Perhaps you see how someone might reason otherwise.

Okay, I think I see a major disconnect. Correct me if I'm wrong.

You view the offending action as one rape and one instance of assault and battery, one year ago, and no one has reported being raped or assaulted by him since.

What it actually is is a ten-year pattern of emotional abuse that follows a classic domestic violence cycle of escalation. Ask his former partners - if they're willing to talk to someone who is not themself Judah's victim. I got a lot of e-mails about this last June. One of his exes actually moved across the country and erased her entire online presence in fear of him - I won't connect you to her, but she's writing something up for my lawyer.

The rape and assault were not an isolated incident, they were the predictable escalation of a long-established pattern.

That's what I'm saying does not stop.

As far as "it's been a year and there's no accusation of misbehavior" - it was two years after his last incident with his former long-term partner that he escalated to rape and physical abuse with me. During those two years, the emotional abuse was ongoing, but you didn't hear about it. Boiling frog situation. Normal in DV.

Silence now doesn't mean he's completely changed his personality. Silence now is a lot more likely to mean what it's meant for the past ten years.

Honestly, my recommendation to you and anyone puzzling at this is to call the BARCC hotline, explain the info that you have, and ask advice. They have extensive training, and they don't have the personal connection that's a) ripping me to shreds every time I have to sit here and try to respond dispassionately about a man who emotionally tortured me, raped me, and beat me up, and b) is causing you to filter everything I say through a the-victim-is-defensive filter.

[drwex]

You view the offending action as one rape and one instance of assault and battery, one year ago, and no one has reported being raped or assaulted by him since.

Please don't assign views to me, particularly when I am trying to be careful to delineate what I know as fact, what I believe, and what I've been told. Since you ask, I believe your account of an escalating series of acts against you and your household that culminated in the incidents which led to him being evicted and brought to court. If you say there are unnamed others who suffered similar or worse assaults I will generally believe that you believe these people. However, other people might not find these reports credible. Or they might not agree with the statement that someone who was a horrible person then is still a horrible person, particularly when that contradicts their individual interactions with him.

Silence now doesn't mean he's completely changed his personality. Silence now is a lot more likely to mean what it's meant for the past ten years.

So you say. But that doesn't mean it's nonsensical or illogical for someone to believe otherwise. Your framing also presupposes the point of view that bad people will always be bad and can never change their ways. That also contradicts the personal experience of at least one person I've spoken to.

my recommendation to you and anyone puzzling at this is to call the BARCC hotline, explain the info that you have, and ask advice

I'm not puzzling, nor am I seeking advice. I think I've been fairly clear about who I believe and what actions I would take, were I in your or Adam's position. That clarity does not keep me from sympathizing with people who believe otherwise, nor do I find their reasoning illogical, however much I disagree with it. If I struggle to understand why people I like and respect do not reason the way I do, then that's my frequent struggle.

is causing you to filter everything I say through a the-victim-is-defensive filter

I'm not entirely clear on what that means, but I am sorry if my attempts to understand are causing you pain. As I mentioned earlier, I try to hold in my mind that I speak from a position of vast privilege, not least of which are white, cis, and able-bodied male. I also speak from my experiences, which include being abused as a child. This method is how I filter and understand the world around me and I'm trying to be careful to speak in "I" sentences and not be setting truth for anyone else.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

culminated in the incidents which led to him being evicted and brought to court.

For clarity: he wasn't "evicted and brought to court"; evicted is a specific legal term that doesn't apply to the situation. The incident was the assault and battery, immediately after which the police were called and a restraining order was issued against him. Which meant that he could no longer live there, of course. But the eviction process is a different thing.

Your framing also presupposes the point of view that bad people will always be bad and can never change their ways

Incorrect; it presupposes that a person who still claims that raping and assaulting partners is justified has not, at this point, changed his ways. People can. But they need to realize that they need to first. He's not there. He is still in a place of denying wrongdoing and spinning she-had-it-coming scenarios, so yes, it's illogical to believe that he's changed.

EDIT: What part of this may boil down to is
a) I have more info about his position than anyone else due to his recent actions regarding the lawsuit. I wish I could say more. I currently can't. There will be a series of posts when all of this is over.
b) I understand the DV cycle more than most, not just personally but academically - I'd be interested to hear sweetmmeblue's assessment, for example, but I'm comfortable saying that, as someone who has been volunteering with BARCC for almost eight years, I do have more in-depth knowledge of the DV cycle than most laypeople.
c) For restorative justice to occur, the rapist must first admit wrongdoing, and he's a long way from that. I'm not saying he can never change - my settlement offer insisted on DV offender rehabilitation and anger management classes, which clearly shows that I believe change can happen. He refused, because he sees no problem with his behavior. These are not the actions of a person who's changed and gotten better.

[drwex]

In response to your edit, I continue to urge you to understand that people who are operating with less knowledge than yourself, perhaps having personal experiences, will reason differently. That doesn't make them irrational, nor should they be beyond understanding, even if you or I disagree with their reasoning.

I'm pretty sure that Pygment has a full day of clients today and has to solo the kids tonight. I'll ask her if she feels like responding here when she's able.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Yeah, no pressure to Pygment - just that as a professional in the field, she has more knowledge than others in the community about DV and how violent offenders cycle. It would be good to hear from a professional, but by no means am I demanding that people speak if they can't or don't want to.

Yeah, long day

[sweetmmeblue.livejournal.com]

and on too little sleep. Been up since 430am. I will try and put some brain cells together for this tomorrow.