So here's a social thing

[drwex]

This weekend I went to a gathering in memory of a long-time friend. It was quite an awkward setting, as there was no agenda, no planned time. Just people gathering in a banquet hall, with food, talking as they would. There was a memorial book to sign and family members there... if you could recognize them. That wasn't super-hard for the friend's brother and father, but others not so much.

Further complicating things, most of the people there were not family, but friends. Often friends who didn't actually overlap. So you had these isolated bubbles of people who might know each other from other connections or maybe a past event, but lacked the general mutuality. I'm very used to a tight-knit and overlapping social group where I try to introduce two people at a party at my house and I find out "oh, we've known each other for years through (pick several) SCA, MIT, folk dancing, pagan gatherings, SF conventions, knitting circles, book clubs..."

In this sort of situation I find myself even more socially paralyzed than normal. I may possibly recognize someone but I'm afraid of looking foolish by saying something that would indicate I'd misidentified them. People who are talking to each other. As I noted elsewhere I have a hard time penetrating that wall already.

Fortunately I have friends who somehow magic this stuff. They find the right people to talk to (some of it is facial recognition, some is... ?) and they manage to talk to them in the right ways. I've watched people do this - it's a very cool skill and I wish I had it.

I get by on a lot of social interactions by rote and memorization. I know that in this situation I should do _that_, and in this other situations that's wrong so do this other thing. Or say this third thing. I work constantly on how to do this in ways that are authentic and honest. If someone has a good formulation for these skills I'm open to hearing them.

Mostly, though, it's like trying to describe shades of red to someone with protanopia. People use words that clearly indicate they see differences between things that look the same to me and without being able to see that basic difference I don't even know where to begin.

Comments

[allizon]

I hear you, and I wish I knew what to tell you -- it's not exactly my strong suit, either. But, y'know, doing something by rote and practicing it until it becomes second nature (or easier, at the very least) is how we learn pretty much anything worth learning, yeah?

[drwex]

Maybe. But there are several persons of our acquaintance who seem to come by it very naturally and gracefully. I can't see them as the result of "practice" in this sense. But maybe I'm just fooling myself.

[allizon]

Oh, for sure some people have a natural inclination toward social smoothness, like there are people who have natural gifts toward music or writing or athletics or languages or whatever. The rest of us have to practice. :)

[reedrover]

One of the tricks I've been using multiple times in the past few years was to pick a seemingly outgoing and chatty person, smile, introduce myself, and say "I'm not great on small talk. So - a movie that was better than the book on which it's based - GO!" And then stand there and ask "really? why is that?" every time they slow down.

[tshuma]

I honestly adore people who are more than willing to shoulder the burden of conversation in situations like that. I may steal your trick at the next event!

[dianec42]

I'm right there with you. I feel like there's a part of my brain that's just missing.

[tshuma]

I struggle in these situations nearly as much as you've described. One thing I make a point of doing in the miraculous 10% of events in which I'm *not* struggling, is to keep an eye out for someone standing on the edge of things who has appeared to be interested but not really able to break into the conversation and try to draw them in a bit. I've been terribly grateful when someone has done that for me, and I try to pay it forward when I'm blessed enough to have people I know to talk to and social spoons to share.

[drwex]

Thanks, that's very kind and a good thought.